Just a little more time

Just found out that my girlfriend passed away last night. Breast cancer got another one. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm glad she's no longer in pain. I'm trying to tell myself that she's better off and happy now.

But...I'm pissed that her family doesn't have her in their lives. I'm pissed that I couldn't be there more. I'm pissed that her daughter will never have her mother beside her when she gets married. I'm pissed that her daughter will not have her mother with her when she has babies. I'm pissed that cancer keeps taking people.

There is something just WRONG with people our age not being alive!!! She deserved to live and enjoy everything she has worked for. She had her dream home and she really appreciated it! She should be getting ready for Thanksgiving with her family.

My thoughts keep wondering if we all have a purpose or lesson to learn in life and we have this limited time frame to learn & do whatever our mission intends. I don't know. If it is...what the heck is my mission?

I suppose I'll just take this day to reflect a little more on this, do some vacuuming, enjoy my Starbucks, and...be the mommy.

What I know is that I'll always remember our conversations; what I learned from her in the last one. The little light that flipped on in my head at that moment. I'll remember seeing her sleep. I'll savor my friends just a little bit more and take time to really look at the sky.

Show me a sign...

Can't stop the shakes.

Cold weather?
My nerves with parents coming over later?
Guilt from doing carbs?
My bosses boss wants me to put together documentation on my boss?
A good friend who is sick?

I don't know what it is but my stomach is in knots. My hands are shaking. I'm nervous! I feel like I can't quite breathe. My heart is pounding. I feel like something bad is going to happen and I can't shake it. If I were speaking in public in front of a large crowd, I would understand this. But I don't and I'm not.

I want it to go away or be shown what it is.

Why I Stay Away From the News

Like it or not, there are people out there who are just bad. A kind word, a smile, a nice gesture are not going to change those people. Everyone has bad things happen to them growing up, some have it far worse than others. But even those who have the hardest lives don't choose to do horrid things and torture others.

My personal opinion is that those people just need to be gone. I'm sure there are some tree huggers out there that believe that kindness can save them.

How kind do you need to be to fix a person who beat a dog with a baseball bat and left it to die on the side of a highway?

But that poor man, what if he'd had a bad day and lost his job!

How kind do you need to be to fix a person who beat a father to death, kidnapped the mother and took her to a bank to steal their money, raped and tortured the mother until killing her, and tied two young daughters to their beds, tortured the girls, sexually assaulted the 9 year old girl, and then put gasoline on their bodies, started a fire on them, and left them to suffer and die with the bodies of their parents?

But that poor man was abused as a child, had a family of his own and was good to his own kids, and was being rehabilitated as he just got out of prison!

How kind do you need to be to fix a mother who allows her live-in boyfriend to rape her daughter nightly and let him beat that child as well?

But that poor woman was being beaten by that man too and her husband left her and she's addicted to drugs!

Will kindness really fix that kind of evil?

THIS is why I can't read the news and this is why I can't deal with bleeding heart liberals. Not everyone can be saved, but we need to save others from the evil that these people commit.

Yeah, sure, just give them a nice smile. In the meantime, somebody give me my gun.

My Purpose

I LOVE being at home! My contract job is slowly coming to an end. I have been working since January, on what was to be a 3 month contract assignment. It popped up out of the blue on an email and I initially thought it was a scam.

Strangely I had been thinking about going back to work and jobs started presenting themselves. Though I wasn't particularly serious about it, I was interviewing a bit - figured after 5 years of being at home it was good to rebuild those skills. This perfect & temporary assignment just appeared and I decided to give it a shot. My dad had just retired and I had him to watch my daughter and get her to preschool and dance lessons.

Those three months have gone beyond 10 months now and this job has been a definite learning experience. I do love working and this job in particular. They let me do a flex schedule, I take off whenever I want, and I can still be a mommy. Over the summer I worked only two days per week so I could be with my daughter. Since school started, I have been taking my daughter to school, going to work, getting off early, and have picked up my daughter from school every single day. I haven't missed any part of this experience with Miss Fabulous.

But...it's coming to an end. I'm now working 4 hours a day for only two days of the week. Financially it's not even beneficial to drive there for those two days, but...it's a nice opportunity and I have grown to really enjoy most of my co-workers.

This job has shown me that I CAN work and be a great mom. That I enjoy working part-time but prefer being a full-time mom. That I still have "it" and am a great employee.

Most importantly though, it's shown me just how clueless most people are. Most - not all. They are stressed about the silliest things, complain about having to go to work rather than being grateful for the opportunity, or just simply don't appreciate their co-workers as real people.

There are absolutely some folks you just don't want to be around, but knocking people behind their backs just ain't ever gonna be cool with me. The large corporate life is so different. People spend their time plotting and working angles to climb the silly corporate ladder and gain bigger titles while being bitter about the promotion someone "less worthy" got. They work to avoid actually having to work. The women are all convinced that they do not get the same benefits or pay or titles simply because they are women. Though I've seen that actually happen, in this situation, it's not the case. They don't see how their positions are different from those men they are comparing themselves to. In the corporate environment, everyone is a victim - they can't seem to just appreciate what they have.

Maybe it's all that I have experienced the past few years, but I just don't see things the same way. I really enjoy people I work with - as individuals. I love chatting with them and laughing with them. I love the silly emails they send me. I love the pictures of their families. I love to hear what they are appreciating in life. I love that they trust me enough to share the laughs. And I love being able to help them all in my job.

When I first started working there, I was "punished" from time to time by a co-worker. One day I was told to clean out filing cabinets because I was wearing jeans and this particular group of women always dress up for work, even though the rest of the department is very casual. I happen to enjoy cleaning and I was still helping out, it was awesome. I felt bad because she didn't realize that they were losing money on paying me to clean out filing cabinets rather than a task equal to the pay. Plus my other co-workers stopped to chat so it was extremely pleasant. There were some unpleasant punishments, but those were only words and they only stung temporarily.

Some folks just don't understand - I was never looking for the corporate ladder and something so trivial would never bother me for long. Thankfully the punishments went away when she realized that I stood up for her to others. I hope they all find that trust in themselves someday.

I have really enjoyed this working part of my life and love knowing what I want and what I don't. However, the past few days of errands, grocery shopping, house cleaning, volunteering, and casual time have been so wonderful. I just feel more like I'm "in" my life and serving my purpose. I love my thinking time.

Fairly certain that I will never be a sit around and just be kinda gal, but this life is more toward my purpose.

Life Lessons

I recently had a chance to visit a friend who has terminal cancer. She is in the final stages of her life or "this life" depending upon how you look at it.

My friend is the wife of one of my husband's co-workers. When we first met, their children were small and they were rarely able to go out with us. We had no kids and went out as we pleased. The first year we lived in the same town, we threw a Halloween party and invited them. They didn't come but we forgot all about it. They had small children; we understood.

As the years went on, we mingled at company events and Christmas parties but were never especially close. She was a really nice person, we were just in different phases of our lives and didn't have so many common interests. Then I got pregnant. Never thought about her being a nurse in the hospital there or that her department was all about the babies.

The first faces that I saw after giving birth were hers and her husbands. She wasn't working but had found out that we were in the hospital and they came by. My personal experience in the hospital was absolutely horrid. I am also a very private person and had no intention of inviting anyone to the hospital. I looked like crap, felt like crap, and had literally just given birth minutes before. However, seeing her there felt like an absolute Godsend. She was the first person to ever hold my baby - other than me and my husband. That's pretty special, to me.

I stopped working and became a stay-at-home-mom. Still, I didn't see her much. One day I ran into town to my husband's office - hadn't showered, looked like crap. Despite trying to be sneaky and avoid anyone seeing me, I ran into my friend. I said something about being embarrassed about my appearance and she said "Actually it's kind of nice. Everytime I see you, you've got your hair and make-up done and are all dressed up while I'm in my ponytail and sweats. It's nice to know that you have those days and are a regular person too." I hadn't thought of it like that; she definitely made me feel more comfortable.

Our daughter was about 18 months old when we had a company event in Reno. We had to hire a nanny for the evening so we could attend. While the guys were working, my friend spent the entire day walking around the shops with me and chatting. Always patient with me and my little chatterbug; never offering unsolicited advice to the novice mom despite being a nurse and mother. It was nice to not be so alone in a hotel not used to serving families.

My friend's daughter had become old enough to babysit and I had become okay with leaving my nearly two-year-old daughter for a few hours. Her daughter was the first person to babysit my daughter. That's pretty special to me too. We started occassionally going out to dinners together while her daughter babysat.

A few months later we decided to move to Colorado. The company my husband works for was more like a family at the time. Everyone from a small town, years of fun together, years of work together, years of spending our lives and sharing our families together - it was just very unique. I remember my friend saying "after all these years, just when I feel like we're finally becoming good friends and have a strong connection, it's time for you to leave." A few months after we moved, she was diagnosed with cancer.

We flew back for a company party and the chemo had taken away her gorgeous, dark, long hair. And her eye-lashes. And her eye brows. But she was the exact same person, just missing the regular sparkle she usually had. Didn't get to spend much time with her on that trip but got great news later - she beat it! Cancer free! That amazing hair of hers grew back even prettier than it had been and she got her sparkle back!

Every time we had a chance to go back to California for a company event, I got to play with my friend. It got better and better! She would come to the hotel and we would go to lunch together. She always made time to see me. I got to see her new house that they designed and had built; her dream home and it is amazing!

Several months ago she told me that her cancer had returned and that it was terminal, "no cure." She started chemo again. When I visited her she mentioned our Halloween party from more than 10 years ago and told me that she felt so bad that they didn't come. I hadn't even remembered it. I took her to a chemo appointment and fell apart when they brought out the needles. She calmed ME down. I took her swimming and we had a great time chatting. We had lunch with other girlfriends at her house. She modeled hats for me and was absolutely adorable in all of them. She lost her hair again but not her sparkle. Then I went home.

After a weird telephone conversation with her, the darn cancer acted up and pushed her back into the hospital. It took a month to arrange to get out there, but we made it! Walking into the hospital, my husband and I ran into her and her husband and she opened up her arms for a hug with her big, happy grin. It was awesome and I was about to hug her when I realized - I hadn't scrubbed down or used sanitizer yet! Took care of that ASAP and got our hugs!

All these silly friends of ours had been telling me to prepare myself. Finally got to see her and she looked great! She looked like my friend - no different. Her eyes are exactly the same, with extra sparkle, and her smile is still contagious. She made both of our husbands leave to run some errands and had a great chance to chat. I loved how she pushed them out! Classic!!!

She grabbed my hand. She mentioned that she had always been so reserved, not hugging or holding hands or cuddling with people - except with her kids. I don't like it either and have always done the same thing. She learned that it's really nice and she really likes it. She's right - it is really nice to hold hands with your friends and hugs from a friend are absolutely awesome.

I still have no idea what the purpose in all of this is but I am thankful to my friend for teaching me so many lessons about life and being such a huge part of mine. I hope she gets out of that hospital and to her own dream home soon. I hope I can get back out there to see her again soon. But more than anything, I just kind of want to selfishly hold hands with her again soon! In the meantime, I know I'm treasuring my life and all my experiences just a little more than usual.