Hitting the Escape Button

I am a very private person and it takes quite a bit for me to be open and share anything personal or even simple things about my life. This past year has been a bit cathartic in releasing some of that control and opening and sharing myself with others. I much prefer staying in my home, staying away from life's ordeals with my husband and daughter, and a few friends I've known since I was a child or one from college. Trading pleasantries with acquaintances only when necessary, avoiding anyone getting too close, and maintaining a postive exterior for those outside of my world to view - THAT is my comfort zone.

I think a number of experiences in my world shaped this self-imposed alienation from strangers. First - family experiences growing up; I learned very clearly that blood is NOT thicker than water and people related to you will hurt you faster than you can blind an eye. Second - a rape, yup, I don't talk about that much with anyone who knows me and very few people have any idea that it's happened, but I've used my experience to help others who don't when the situation has arisen. I don't share those details with anyone close to me, sometimes that bit of privacy is all you have left. Lastly - my mother. If you can't trust and depend upon your own mother, who in the world could you possibly trust with any sort of details or thoughts about your life.

I believe that everyone carries some sort of baggage with them and that's really our own personal tool to learn from, grow from, and educate ourselves with. I really think it's a God-given tool to learn about life and figure out who you are. You always hear how God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and I honestly do believe that, though sometimes it sure seems that there aren't enough tears to make it through the rough patches and surely your heart will explode at some point. But it works out.

The past year has been a journey for me to experience letting go of some things and not hiding so completely behind my facade. Not that it's a complete facade, I am very blessed and have an abundance of wonder and joy in my life. Admittedly, I have had a fun time letting go and sharing a bit more of myself and really speaking this past year. However, I am toying with hitting that escape button. I was once told by a grandmother that the only appropriate response to someone asking "how are you?" is "fine, thanks!" According to my grandmother, people genuinely don't care to know the honest answer to that question, so if you answer is fine or if your best friend just died, keep it to yourself.

Before I take the step to let someone "into" my life, I typically have to feel ridiculously comfortable with that person. They'll certainly never know every detail and will only have a portion of me. For me, that's still extreme trust. Over time, that person might get other pieces of the puzzle that is me but the full view isn't likely - at least at this point, it's not something I'm comfortable with. For a friend, I would do everything I could to jump over the moon. I'd sell everything I have to help someone I've let in if there was a real need and if that wasn't enough, I'd beg, borrow, and steal. I am protective and loyal.

However, step on me and I don't fight back. I retreat and remove myself. I refuse to waste my time fighting with anyone who doesn't believe in me to begin with. There's no need for making up and there won't be a conversation later. Step on someone I care about and the result is the same - you are history.

Amazing that I've been with the same man for 20 years now; however, only twice in all those years has he made an intentional misstep. We both know I've never forgotten it and sometimes I still don't trust him completely. However, he is my husband and has received a few extra chances. Overwhelmingly, his desire has never been to hurt anyone or to risk hurting for self-gain. He's an honest and true person with a spine to back it up - and that's not just about me, but life in general. He treats others with respect and does what he can to think of another when making decisions. That's character.

For someone who makes the choice to hurt; shock hits the system and shut down mode is immediately triggered. Absolutely I'll be pleasant for the rest of my life, but my time and privacy are simply too valuable to me to bother with anyone who took the time to purposely cause an issue or hurt another person. I don't turn back on, I remember and may eventually forgive, but I never forget. I learn my lesson and promptly hit my escape button.

I'm not talking about accidental words that were never meant or intended, but willful and purposeful speech, gossip, writings...drama for self-gain. People should always think before they act, and we all absolutely make a thousand mistakes in dealing with people appropriately. Mistakes are something you learn from and are repairable. Desire to turn a situation into something bigger while acknowledging and accepting risk of hurting another person is the worst thing anyone could ever show me.

Is it a grudge? Not really, I don't wish any ill will and wouldn't want anything bad to happen to another person. More so I believe it's an indication of character and refuse to put myself into a situation where an individual of poor character has access to my time and life. We all get mad, but getting mad leads to getting over something and a resolution. When we get hurt, that's another thing entirely.

I have enough hurt in my life, I don't feel the need to experience more than what I am required to. I require my focus to take care of my true friends who need time. Life is all about friends, but figuring out who those real friends are is a huge key. It's the chocolate fudge.

I am partially forced to deal with the situation involving my mother because I want to keep my relationship with my dad intact. He wants his marriage; for what reasons neither I nor the counselor can seem to fathom, but he wants it, so...that leaves me in this situation. I avoid and stay in my corner of the world. I will answer the phone and be polite, but some things are simply not repairable and when those acts or malicious intentions are repeated, I simply can't forget it and take it as a lesson. Poor character is avoidable and a simple thing to avoid with a bit of thought, but psychological disorders are another category entirely. I can't even bear the thought that I should ever put my baby through even one singular incident that I have endured due to mental illness. For my life and sanity, surviving this has required the escape key. Sometimes repeatedly...the only problem is that is doesn't always work.

My latest experience with an individual pales in comparison to what I MUST endure in my daily life. I have to retain some energy to deal with situations involving my grandmother, everyday struggles, and the lives of true friends who are having sincere difficulties. Recently it seems that my life is surrounded by cancer, with a few friends having the experience of the non-curable form or other terminal illnesses. I am not ready to let go of any of those friends and I know each and every one of them intends on hanging around for quite some time. I need strength for those friends and they need my strength. Though it is clearly their burden and I can not share in that or compare to their life experience, it does tend to weigh heavily on the mind.

I have already distanced myself a bit from those who are not a realistic part of my life and can feel an imminent shutdown on the horizon. I live my life and very fully, if I were avoiding experiences, I know that would be wrong. I have to be a mommy and more so, I want to be a fantastic mommy. That takes effort and energy. I want to be a great friend to the individuals in my life who have exhibited great character.

I just prefer to be as happy as I can be in my life and if hitting the escape key accomplishes that...is it really such a bad idea?