A Change In Life

I think maybe I'm just at a strange time in my life and have small feelings of pulling myself in twelve (or a thousand) different directions because I want to do everything and be everything for everyone, but even with so much craziness, I am so happy.

I started a contract job at the end of January and that's going so amazingly well. As I knew, of course, I'm just friggin' gifted as an employee. I pick things up at amazing speed, work well alone and with little supervision and have once again become a programming guru. I have people walking into my little space asking me questions and needing help several times a day since week two. That's an awesome feeling and I have missed that.

Of course, it was HARD to leave my baby - the baby who is now five and utterly independent in so many ways - but it's worked out really well. Not only that but I think it's turned out to be a GREAT thing for all of us. It's really given her a chance to experience her own sense of "I can do this all by myself without mommy hovering over me" and, of course, the "mommy doesn't have to be the one to do everything here."

My dad is our new nanny (aka manny or just Grandpa works too.) He's a fantastic dad, always has been and I still adore him. Used to drive my husband nuts when we were first married (okay, truth, for several or 6 years after we were married) because I had to question every decision we made and discuss it with my dad before I'd budge. Over the years, I've learned that I'm actually quite capable of making all those decisions myself and sometimes, I'm actually far better informed than my dad - so I grew up and became independent too. Now I don't listen to anyone and rarely even discuss things with my husband; I just research, decide, and take action all on my own and usually I tell my husband about it sometime after the fact.

My dad had a stroke several years ago and he and my mom (mainly my mom because my dad actually didn't have speech capabilities for a few weeks afterward) decided not to tell me so I wouldn't fly home from California and miss work. Ridiculous - I never missed work and rarely took vacations, I should have been told - my dad was still far more important than work and we were financially set as a DINK family (double-income, no kids.) He's never bothered changing his habits or diet to help prevent another stroke and that thought of what the future might hold is always in the back of my mind. So....it was kinda cool that my dad had just retired when this contract job came up. He was thinking about looking for something to do part-time and I needed someone. Perfect - my kid has a Grandpa nanny, ready to go! Someone who adores her and who I KNOW will keep her safe - as well as keeping up the routine and rules I've set up. So, Miss Fabulous and my dad have become Mutt & Jeff with their ridiculous games and my husband and I get kicked out of the house before we're actually ready to go. She wants her "alone time" with Grandpa. They're building memories and that's just cool. I couldn't be happier that she happens to be building memories with someone I adore.

I am a little sad at not being the all-day-every-day-go-to resource and having the full control and participation in the life of Miss Fabulous, but that's purely because I'm a selfish control freak. I'd like to work all night long while she sleeps and then have her to myself all day long, but...I have discovered over the years that I do need sleep, not a lot, but some. I missed out on Parent Watch Week at her dance classes. My husband and my dad got to go, I got to watch a video and see pictures from the camera. It wasn't the same and I didn't get to have the teary eyes as I saw it in person. That kinda sucked. I missed the Valentine's Day party at school too. Total bummer, I'm a popular mom/volunteer with the kids and I adore them too. My husband got to go to that and I got to hear a few stories from him afterward, but Miss Fabulous didn't want to take the time to chat me up with her version - she was "busy."

Now, there have already been several days when my dad couldn't make it to this nanny job. The first couple days were for a skin cancer surgery and the sore aftermath the day following. Then there was the stitch removal appointment we had to juggle for. And now, there's the dog aka my younger sister. Every dog they've ever had has been treated better than I was, but....I guess it taught me to adore dogs too. However, this overweight pooch (mine are NOT overweight - they eat right, are given specific quantities to maintain ideal weight, exercise, and go to the vet often) jumped off a couch and hurt her leg again....so, dog apparently can't be left alone in their house at all. The dog will have surgery soon and then my mom and her sisters will juggle the intense care for the dog (I'm not allowed to care for the dog in my house but that's another story.)

Hmmm....not really buying that one, went through surgery and cancer with my older dog and managed to handle it all just fine while taking care of a toddler and a puppy. But whatever, I get it, they love her and that's cool with me. However, I can't take off work - it's only a 3 month contract job. The husband's gotta handle it again...

Oh yeah, and guess what, these grandparents also decided they need to go to Las Vegas for a week and it has to be the end of March. So...I ask the husband to immediately call HIS mother to see if she might be able to swing the nanny job and stay with us for the week. Thankfully it's spring break so she won't have to know any details about school or dance classes or the taxi schedule. Thank GOD she said yes! Hopefully that'll take us through the end of April, end of job, and there will be nothing further to juggle.

If the scheduling issues weren't enough, there are the interesting and stressful situations it causes with my mom being involved. She's always in some varying degree of anger with me and has the paranoia thoughts that we're spending all of our time discussing her. Apparently it has never occurred to her that we're just too darned busy taking care of all the big and little details involving a house, a kid, two dogs, work, schedules, and life to really be bothered with her. Bothered BY her is a different story, lots of strangeness and stress pops up and my attempts at seclusion and self-isolation is often bothered by those issues. Oh well...

I think the whole experience is a nice "suck it up" experiment for the hubby. He's the main party thinking my going back to work would be a good thing. For the most part, it is....but, it's a nice true-to-life but shorter version of the many issues with child care and this is a grandparent, as dependable as it's gonna get. Plus, I think he initially had some dollar signs in his eyes and it's fantastic to think about paying things off and having excess money in the budget. However, child care ain't ever gonna be free and I decided that my dad has to be paid at least 65% of what I make. Totally fair I think - he's got mileage to get over here, mileage to taxi Miss Fabulous to her various interests, and he has to be here BEFORE I leave and can't leave until I get home - so he works longer! Whether my dad enjoys it or not, it's a job and that's what is right. So....the husband's final view on this juggle work remains to be heard, we'll see what he thinks in two more months. I'm torn, for now.

Then we having house-cleaning and laundry. I refuse to let laundry build up at my house, so daily, as it always has been, the laundry starts before I leave the house - but it's not done until just before the kidlet's bedtime. Nothing is put away during the day. The house can't get cleaned during the day either, because I'm not here. I can't pick up and clean as I go during the day and there is no way I'm living like a pig. So...everybody has got to pitch in and do some things if we want to have any weekend family time or actually leave the house over the weekend (we do have a big house so it takes some serious time.)

That's been a little rough on everyone and no, things are not all being done to my personal satisfaction, but....we're working into this one and I am attempting to not be quite as picky about it. The grocery shopping has to be done on weekends - I'm working, I can't go during the day several days a week when Miss Fabulous is occupied for her few hours at preschool. There are no trips running out late at night to pick up the forgotten items, and thus....the father of Miss Fabulous is starting to realize how lists have to be made and actually CORRECT.

Then there is the meal planning, cooking, getting ready for bed and getting Miss Fabulous to sleep on time. Now, with two men involved here, getting the kidlet to bed has become a huge issue. It's all about the hair really. Not many men can do a girl's hair or do a girl's hair WELL. So, that leaves me and if I have to do the hair...someone short has got to be up in time for me to do that hair...which means getting up and being dressed. Miss Fabulous is pretty particular about her hair...so she gets up. Any mom in the world can tell you how beastly a child without adequate sleep can become. Some dads take a little longer to learn this fact. Everyone is learning a lot about my organization and why I'm so rigid with schedules.

I miss my all day mommy role but I love being the office superstar. I miss having an office, despise living in a cube-farm, and think there are far too many folks out there who shouldn't be allowed access to speaker phones cuz they're lookin' like fools and haven't a clue. I am glad to finally have a little bit of help around the house and maybe just a little bit of realization and acknowledgement that my organization issues are a pretty nice perk of living in a household with me. I am delighted that some memories are being made and sad that other memories are being made. I love watching my daughter's relationship with her grandpa develop and seeing that bond, but I am sad that it's not always me there when she walks into a wall and cries.

There is no such thing as having it all and there is never going to be enough of anything you actually desire. I do believe that nothing has to suffer and the important parts of life can all still remain intact and benefits arise for everyone out of any experience. My experience though, is temporary. For all the little moments of sad selfishness I am having and the stressful situations created by my working, I know that my kid is actually having a blast and learning some things. I am in the front seat watching a wonderful bond being created.

So, even though I have to take the time to get UP to an alarm and showered before the buttcrack of dawn (which is still far later in the morning than any other job I've had!), I can drive to work with gorgeous sunshine, get a Starbucks, listen to amazing music on the way that has nothing to do with XM Kids, and do it all with a smile on my face and in my heart knowing that my kid is enjoying herself and learning something. It's all pretty delightful.

Oh yeah, and once this job is over....I've got a date with my family at Disneyland. And I paid for it all by myself.