A Change In Life

I think maybe I'm just at a strange time in my life and have small feelings of pulling myself in twelve (or a thousand) different directions because I want to do everything and be everything for everyone, but even with so much craziness, I am so happy.

I started a contract job at the end of January and that's going so amazingly well. As I knew, of course, I'm just friggin' gifted as an employee. I pick things up at amazing speed, work well alone and with little supervision and have once again become a programming guru. I have people walking into my little space asking me questions and needing help several times a day since week two. That's an awesome feeling and I have missed that.

Of course, it was HARD to leave my baby - the baby who is now five and utterly independent in so many ways - but it's worked out really well. Not only that but I think it's turned out to be a GREAT thing for all of us. It's really given her a chance to experience her own sense of "I can do this all by myself without mommy hovering over me" and, of course, the "mommy doesn't have to be the one to do everything here."

My dad is our new nanny (aka manny or just Grandpa works too.) He's a fantastic dad, always has been and I still adore him. Used to drive my husband nuts when we were first married (okay, truth, for several or 6 years after we were married) because I had to question every decision we made and discuss it with my dad before I'd budge. Over the years, I've learned that I'm actually quite capable of making all those decisions myself and sometimes, I'm actually far better informed than my dad - so I grew up and became independent too. Now I don't listen to anyone and rarely even discuss things with my husband; I just research, decide, and take action all on my own and usually I tell my husband about it sometime after the fact.

My dad had a stroke several years ago and he and my mom (mainly my mom because my dad actually didn't have speech capabilities for a few weeks afterward) decided not to tell me so I wouldn't fly home from California and miss work. Ridiculous - I never missed work and rarely took vacations, I should have been told - my dad was still far more important than work and we were financially set as a DINK family (double-income, no kids.) He's never bothered changing his habits or diet to help prevent another stroke and that thought of what the future might hold is always in the back of my mind. So....it was kinda cool that my dad had just retired when this contract job came up. He was thinking about looking for something to do part-time and I needed someone. Perfect - my kid has a Grandpa nanny, ready to go! Someone who adores her and who I KNOW will keep her safe - as well as keeping up the routine and rules I've set up. So, Miss Fabulous and my dad have become Mutt & Jeff with their ridiculous games and my husband and I get kicked out of the house before we're actually ready to go. She wants her "alone time" with Grandpa. They're building memories and that's just cool. I couldn't be happier that she happens to be building memories with someone I adore.

I am a little sad at not being the all-day-every-day-go-to resource and having the full control and participation in the life of Miss Fabulous, but that's purely because I'm a selfish control freak. I'd like to work all night long while she sleeps and then have her to myself all day long, but...I have discovered over the years that I do need sleep, not a lot, but some. I missed out on Parent Watch Week at her dance classes. My husband and my dad got to go, I got to watch a video and see pictures from the camera. It wasn't the same and I didn't get to have the teary eyes as I saw it in person. That kinda sucked. I missed the Valentine's Day party at school too. Total bummer, I'm a popular mom/volunteer with the kids and I adore them too. My husband got to go to that and I got to hear a few stories from him afterward, but Miss Fabulous didn't want to take the time to chat me up with her version - she was "busy."

Now, there have already been several days when my dad couldn't make it to this nanny job. The first couple days were for a skin cancer surgery and the sore aftermath the day following. Then there was the stitch removal appointment we had to juggle for. And now, there's the dog aka my younger sister. Every dog they've ever had has been treated better than I was, but....I guess it taught me to adore dogs too. However, this overweight pooch (mine are NOT overweight - they eat right, are given specific quantities to maintain ideal weight, exercise, and go to the vet often) jumped off a couch and hurt her leg again....so, dog apparently can't be left alone in their house at all. The dog will have surgery soon and then my mom and her sisters will juggle the intense care for the dog (I'm not allowed to care for the dog in my house but that's another story.)

Hmmm....not really buying that one, went through surgery and cancer with my older dog and managed to handle it all just fine while taking care of a toddler and a puppy. But whatever, I get it, they love her and that's cool with me. However, I can't take off work - it's only a 3 month contract job. The husband's gotta handle it again...

Oh yeah, and guess what, these grandparents also decided they need to go to Las Vegas for a week and it has to be the end of March. So...I ask the husband to immediately call HIS mother to see if she might be able to swing the nanny job and stay with us for the week. Thankfully it's spring break so she won't have to know any details about school or dance classes or the taxi schedule. Thank GOD she said yes! Hopefully that'll take us through the end of April, end of job, and there will be nothing further to juggle.

If the scheduling issues weren't enough, there are the interesting and stressful situations it causes with my mom being involved. She's always in some varying degree of anger with me and has the paranoia thoughts that we're spending all of our time discussing her. Apparently it has never occurred to her that we're just too darned busy taking care of all the big and little details involving a house, a kid, two dogs, work, schedules, and life to really be bothered with her. Bothered BY her is a different story, lots of strangeness and stress pops up and my attempts at seclusion and self-isolation is often bothered by those issues. Oh well...

I think the whole experience is a nice "suck it up" experiment for the hubby. He's the main party thinking my going back to work would be a good thing. For the most part, it is....but, it's a nice true-to-life but shorter version of the many issues with child care and this is a grandparent, as dependable as it's gonna get. Plus, I think he initially had some dollar signs in his eyes and it's fantastic to think about paying things off and having excess money in the budget. However, child care ain't ever gonna be free and I decided that my dad has to be paid at least 65% of what I make. Totally fair I think - he's got mileage to get over here, mileage to taxi Miss Fabulous to her various interests, and he has to be here BEFORE I leave and can't leave until I get home - so he works longer! Whether my dad enjoys it or not, it's a job and that's what is right. So....the husband's final view on this juggle work remains to be heard, we'll see what he thinks in two more months. I'm torn, for now.

Then we having house-cleaning and laundry. I refuse to let laundry build up at my house, so daily, as it always has been, the laundry starts before I leave the house - but it's not done until just before the kidlet's bedtime. Nothing is put away during the day. The house can't get cleaned during the day either, because I'm not here. I can't pick up and clean as I go during the day and there is no way I'm living like a pig. So...everybody has got to pitch in and do some things if we want to have any weekend family time or actually leave the house over the weekend (we do have a big house so it takes some serious time.)

That's been a little rough on everyone and no, things are not all being done to my personal satisfaction, but....we're working into this one and I am attempting to not be quite as picky about it. The grocery shopping has to be done on weekends - I'm working, I can't go during the day several days a week when Miss Fabulous is occupied for her few hours at preschool. There are no trips running out late at night to pick up the forgotten items, and thus....the father of Miss Fabulous is starting to realize how lists have to be made and actually CORRECT.

Then there is the meal planning, cooking, getting ready for bed and getting Miss Fabulous to sleep on time. Now, with two men involved here, getting the kidlet to bed has become a huge issue. It's all about the hair really. Not many men can do a girl's hair or do a girl's hair WELL. So, that leaves me and if I have to do the hair...someone short has got to be up in time for me to do that hair...which means getting up and being dressed. Miss Fabulous is pretty particular about her hair...so she gets up. Any mom in the world can tell you how beastly a child without adequate sleep can become. Some dads take a little longer to learn this fact. Everyone is learning a lot about my organization and why I'm so rigid with schedules.

I miss my all day mommy role but I love being the office superstar. I miss having an office, despise living in a cube-farm, and think there are far too many folks out there who shouldn't be allowed access to speaker phones cuz they're lookin' like fools and haven't a clue. I am glad to finally have a little bit of help around the house and maybe just a little bit of realization and acknowledgement that my organization issues are a pretty nice perk of living in a household with me. I am delighted that some memories are being made and sad that other memories are being made. I love watching my daughter's relationship with her grandpa develop and seeing that bond, but I am sad that it's not always me there when she walks into a wall and cries.

There is no such thing as having it all and there is never going to be enough of anything you actually desire. I do believe that nothing has to suffer and the important parts of life can all still remain intact and benefits arise for everyone out of any experience. My experience though, is temporary. For all the little moments of sad selfishness I am having and the stressful situations created by my working, I know that my kid is actually having a blast and learning some things. I am in the front seat watching a wonderful bond being created.

So, even though I have to take the time to get UP to an alarm and showered before the buttcrack of dawn (which is still far later in the morning than any other job I've had!), I can drive to work with gorgeous sunshine, get a Starbucks, listen to amazing music on the way that has nothing to do with XM Kids, and do it all with a smile on my face and in my heart knowing that my kid is enjoying herself and learning something. It's all pretty delightful.

Oh yeah, and once this job is over....I've got a date with my family at Disneyland. And I paid for it all by myself.

Valentine's Day

I really dislike Valentine's Day. It's a commercialist, nonsensical waste of time that hurts some people, causes others to spend money senselessly, and leaves too many people hiding out for the day avoiding the questions as to why they are not with their "Valentine."

About a week before Valentine's Day this year, I listened to the radio on the way to work and heard a story on a morning show that made me cry like a country singer who's dog had been shot right after his pickup truck broke down. Some lady called in to tell about the hand-made gifts that her husband had given her over the years for Valentine's Day along with a card with a quarter in it. He apparently gave her quarter in cards for birthdays and other holidays too. She had no idea why he gave her quarters and she never asked, said it was just "his thing." But she had saved every gift, every card, and still had every quarter still in those envelopes. Then she shared that her husband had passed away last March and that this would be her first Valentine's Day without him. She didn't cry and wasn't asking for sympathy, just sharing and remembering him and the nice things he had done as well as his quirks. It was heart-wrenching to listen to but so sweet.

I happened to marry a guy who just isn't romantic and I'm actually okay with that. I'm not a touchy-feely person and maybe someday I'll share a little about why that is, but for now it's private (semi-private anyway - it's just not something I openly share.) My husband IS touchy-feely but not romantic. I don't like the holding hands or public displays of affection. I can count on one hand the number of times I've gotten flowers over the 20 years we've been together. That is actually fine - though they are beautiful and it's nice to get them, I still view them as a waste of money and annoying to look at because most of the time they're sent as an apology for something really bad. For me, those types of flower gifts are really just a reminder of whatever bad thing that happened. While I should see them for the beauty, I can't get that bad thing out of my head when I look at them and really I'd rather just kind of forget about it and move on. I do try to be appreciative and SHOW my appreciation but my thought process just takes it elsewhere.

He also doesn't involve himself in making plans for us to go out for dinner or movies. For the most part, we really don't go. Occassionally I might make the arrangements when I want to head out with friends. However, once you get the babysitter arranged, make reservations, prepare things for your kid, try to make yourself up to look like less of an exhausted mommy, and get ready to go someplace special for yourself...the effort just really kills the joy out of the night out just for a dinner and Buffalo Wild Wings with the whole family just starts to be the easier option. Heck yeah, I'd love to go out to a NICE dinner with real adult type food more often, but I don't have the energy to plan it. He doesn't seem to care one way or another and basicially, I'm a sure thing, so...

Going out on Valentine's Day is a nightmare. Babysitters are all booked months in advance, the good restaurants require reservations months in advance, and the crowds drive me insane. There is nothing positive to be said about waiting 30 minutes past your reservation time in a lobby with the doors opening and closing in freezing weather (I live in Colorado) while wearing a dress and having those drafts go right up it. I have issues with that and I admit that I am impatient. If I make a reservation for 7:30, I expect my butt to be in the seat at my table promptly at 7:30. So, with my lack of patience and a husband that matches the patience level and crowd displeasure, we gave up Valentine's Day meals years before we even had Miss Fabulous.

Then there's the chocolate silliness. Who in the world needs a 2 pound box of chocolates? I work hard to keep my backside in the same size clothing and avoid the flab overhang around the middle. I personally don't want the temptation of those chocolates sitting around in my house and my chocoholic husband really needs to steer clear of those as well. Usually I can withstand the temptation, I'm not a big chocolate eater, BUT the last thing I need is to have a hormonal or stress craving hit me when there's that type of volume of chocolate in the house. Then there are the folks of the world who delight at getting that chocolate box, devouring it in one sitting, and then have the nerve to complain about the 10 pounds they put on after a holiday. That's called "shut up" in my world of private speech.

The commercialism surrounding this so-called holiday is ridiculous. Every guy thinks he has to buy his wife or girlfriend a gift - or she'll think he doesn't care, doesn't love her, doesn't think about her....blah, blah, blah. Clearly, the holiday isn't going anywhere because we ridiculous women will demand that it remain so our men can show us how much they love us through flowers and chocolate. People who can't AFFORD just their bills and have their credit cards maxed out will spend another $30 that they don't have to get a gift.

Then there are the women who tell their husbands NOT to get them anything, in fact, demand that they prefer it. However, come Valentine's Day, those same women will be the ones ticked off at their husbands for NOT getting them anything. I lived with one of those types, it was a living nightmare. It's insane, the men can't win and really, neither do the women. Not the present ones or the ones who might come later because we, as women, have spent our time confusing these men to the point that they have no clue what the right thing to do might be.

Single friends...poor folks have to hide out for the day because they don't have a "Valentine" and there will always be some dumbass who has got to take the time to ask them why they aren't with their Valentine on this tremendously special day. Talk about a slap in the face to a single woman or man who just has gone through a divorce or just hasn't met the right person, yeah, they need that fake smirk and sympathy - and it's likely a WOMAN who gives it out. And let's not forget those who are newly into a relationship and have to go through the pressure of whether to get or not get a Valentine gift. Would it be too forward? If he doesn't I'll never continue this relationship! OR If he doesn't I'll continue this relationship but I'll never let him/her live it down for the rest of my life.

Now, I'm all for thoughtful gifts, just not on Valentine's Day. For me, if you must, a card with something handwritten and thoughtful in it. Keep the rest of the junk for Miss Fabulous as this appears to be a big thing for the little ones once they start school. Sad way to start life and will likely lead to some broken hearts, but I'll keep my mouth shut and I will, of course, buy my daughter some silly gift from me. However, the REST of the year is when I'd rather be SHOWN that my significant other cares for me.

Over the past month, I've talked to a number of friends who are husbands and wives and gotten a little feedback on how they'd like to be shown care, respect, and love. Some knew what why I was asking the question and some didn't; however, the owner of the responses are all going to remain anonymous. Some are from me, some are not. It really doesn't matter, the only way to figure out what YOUR significant other's preferences are is communication - and use your ears, please! LISTEN and TELL THE TRUTH! However, if you have the type of spouse that says "no gift" - it's optional, do what you want - you're probably going to be in trouble no matter what you do.

When your spouse is cleaning, don't stand there and just watch them do it. It's kinda rude. If you "help" with the cleaning, don't act as if it's some sort of gift to the other person - that's just a chore that must be done; it's not a gift. If you happen to drop a little dab of pee on the floor in the bathroom, for goodness sake - take the time to wipe it up yourself before your spouse or kid steps in it!!! If your kid is messy and you see them making the mess - you can clean it up too, don't wait for your spouse to notice it and have to stop something else to do it.

Withholding the sex until the significant other accomplishes some task you've assigned is just plain ridiculous and this is a female thing. If your spouse has cheated on you or you have relationship issues or female issues, that's quite another story. Women DO have to be comfortable in a relationship to give that up. However, making your husband beg for sex or clean the garage for sex or until you have a nicer house - that's just ridiculous and apparently these ladies haven't yet realized that they're hurting themselves too. Sex is a good thing and a natural part of a relationship. Ladies, what you haven't realized yet is that the female body doesn't work like a man's. The less you have it, the less you want it - you're killing your own libido. Use it or lose it! That's totally true - ASK your gynocologist if you don't believe me. There are a number of gadgets available to help you out with this if you aren't aware and if you're too timid to go into a sex store to get them yourself, order them online and have them delivered. But really, if you're adult enough to have had it once, shouldn't you get over the giggles about picking out a rabbit or some other double A battery operated apparatus??? And certainly, if you're MY age or just a mom or living with someone....we all KNOW you've done it.

I will admit that I am extremely annoyed this Valentine's Day. Part of the reason is that I GOT flowers....so, you know. Of course, I could get over the flowers thing and ignore it and keep my mouth BUT - don't you hate that word??? BUT, I have spoken with more than 15 - yup, FIFTEEN! - people this weekend who were unhappy with their Valentine gifts, mad that they didn't GET a Valentine gift, ticked off that their spouse didn't take care of babysitter arrangements or dining reservations, or were planning on holding out on their spouse due to one or more reasons above. Then there were the folks on diets who received their HUGE amounts of chocolate - ever think of communicating to your spouse that you really can't handle the sweets and what your goals are? I'm just so tired of listening to people sabbotage themselves and their relationships and torture their spouses.

In a perfect world, or rather MY perfect world, everyone would be quiet on Valentine's Day and we'd all choose to just have another day like Thanksgiving. Spending time together and just appreciating - with no gifts, no pressure, nothing open, and no commercials.

I hope that wonderful lady on the radio didn't have a bad day today. I hope she took the time to go through her cards, look at her years of gifts from him, and remember the husband she loved. I hope her friends and family called her to tell her they love her and were thinking about her. I hope she counted her quarters and there's enough for a wonderful trip or something special she really wants.

One thing is for sure, gifts should never be expected, they are to be appreciated and bedroom activities with someone you've commited a sacrament with should be a win-win situation and a sure thing. I hope the people I've talked to this weekend and the ones I didn't figure this out. I hope there are hundreds of amazingly happy friends who I didn't talk to.

In the meantime, I really hope there are some carbs in my pantry. Despite the flowers, I'm ready to go have some time with my husband.