Oh crap, it's only me

So, I've been discussing my new blog with a few friends, what it means for me, how it's helped me, how I think I've grown and in particular how Facebook moved me forward just in the past year. Emotionally and mentally and physically. I'm so much happier and so much more stable and in control.

Just a day ago, someone mentioned that I was brave to put myself out there with the truth, good and/or bad, considering anyone could read it and people could be/would be judging me. Initially, I kinda went - oh crap, yeah, they're judging me. I hadn't thought of it in that way. I know there are some who might not like what I have to say, some who think I should shut up, and some who just plain don't like ME. I've been okay with that for a while, not always, but for quite a while.

I'm certain, in the end, I'll be judged. After what I've gone through the past year & a half, I'm fairly certain I'll do okay with that predicament. I've tried to live my life appropriately and in reverence to people as individuals. Not perfectly and not my entire life, I've made a mountain of mistakes and unintentionally hurt others with thoughtless words, but I think I've learned from all those experiences and improved my person. Maturity and life experience are everything. "Sometimes you have to make a lot of mistakes to get to the right answer."

Judging me? I guess if another individual sees fit to judge me, they have the option. No one has to like me and I don't like everyone myself, there's nothing wrong with that. However, if those individuals don't like me, why would they take the time to read my blog in the first place?

Would it be jealousy or envy? Heck, I'm a little jealous and envious of some others too. I'm okay with that and to an extent I think it improves me. Despite the trauma surrounding my life, I'm very blessed and overprivileged. I fully admit that and I enjoy every minute of it, mainly because I've worked for everything I have and will continue to do so. It makes me a better person to have the life I have because of my endurance, everyone should take the time to work hard for the blessings in their lives. It gives me great power and comfort to know that I wasn't GIVEN anything.

Several months ago, I heard that several individuals thought I was a snob - way back when. I heard that several years ago as well. I have no idea why, really. I was quiet about my private life, for reason. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends, only boyfriends - explain that to me please, cuz I'm just gonna say that was STUUUUUUUUPID! Whatever.

Granted, I certainly was a puzzle, I didn't share my personal life and because I was so guarded, and I didn't often take the time to think my words through carefully. I was probably too straight forward as thoughts came from my head, had my goals and wasn't going to hold back from accomplishing those goals. I was rididulous but no nonsense at the same time. Peculiar, more likely.

I'd say in my current life, I probably am a snob, mainly in respect to quality and what I will and will not accept for my family. I don't care to go into dangerous areas and I don't care for my family to go anywhere near them either. I have come to find out that my definition of dangerous is somewhat skewed from the views of others; I'm okay with that as well. I just don't take chances with my family.

In my current life, I still carry a lot of baggage from years past and some present issues. That's my personal burden and I deal with it as I need to or want to. I don't easily trust anyone and I can't imagine that I will ever fully share myself with anyone, just pieces at a time when I'm comfortable. I like people and adore my friends, but the burden is a part of me.

What I recognize now is that everyone has their own path. That path includes their own personal struggles and different and very varying abilities to handle those struggles. We all have different gifts as well. You don't have to like everyone but you should be nice to everyone. You have the option of enjoying pieces of a person but your choice should be to overlook faults when you can. Friends are family but family doesn't necessarily mean friend. Blood is actually not thicker than water either, so don't give me that line, I'm not buying it.

I really am a fairly boring and ordinary person. I have a strong drive and an abundance of energy, which can be annoying. I am private and guarded but I am also fairly open when it comes to helping others. I prefer to stay in my home and I prefer to be with only my daughter and husband the majority of the time. I don't have hobbies other than writing and reading, unless you count vacuumming and cleaning my house (which I don't - I consider that an obsession.)

I have a firm hold on my life, happiness, and confidence within myself. I'm okay with me, now.