I'm Gonna Go Potty at Work!

I've taken a job. Outside of my home - as of Monday, I'm not just a mommy anymore. It's all happened so fast and I wasn't actually looking and never applied for this job. It landed in my lap. One day late last week, I got an email asking me whether I might be interested in employment - I thought it was a scam. With too much time on my hands and a separate email account specifically for playing with scammers and spammers, I sent back a note that I might be interested and wanted more information. Amazingly, this email turned out to be REAL and for a position with a wonderful company. Not ultimately what I want to be doing, but....a great company and great pay. Where on earth did they find me?

Turns out, a million years ago in my former life as a workaholic, I posted my resume on Monster. That used to be the go to site for seeking employment. I never ended up using it and instead found my last position simply advertised in the newspaper in California, knew some people with connections, had fantastic references, and BAM! landed an ace in the hole!

About a year ago, I received an email from Monster and remembered that my information was on there. Well, because I'd been pondering whether I wanted to go back to work or not, I updated my information. I live in a new state since that time and had over 8 years of information missing. Then never thought about it again. I'm too busy being mommy and playing with scammers who want me to take money to Western Union (which I keep taking and taking and somehow the orders get lost or something.)

Over the past year, I have applied to a few jobs, been called for interviews, and been offered most of the positions. I've turned them down for various reasons, some ridiculous. I turned down one because I didn't like the office - poor taste in decorating and snob that I am, I don't want to be holed up in an ugly office all day long! Plus two of the ladies in the office that I'd have to manage were chit-chatting while I was waiting and they annoyed me to exhaustion with their nasty eating habits and immature banter for just those 15 minutes. Their lip-smacking made me want to kick them right in their huge behinds and lecture them about proper etiquette in a front-office environment.

Another I applied for, went to four interviews with, and then I turned down an offer because they didn't want to pay me what I wanted. Yeah, I probably should have known, they were non-profit. Then there was the offer for a job close by my home, nice salary, easy conditions guaranteed so I could do my mommy tasks and I turned it down because the owner couldn't guarantee me that I would be challenged. I think he was dumbfounded that I'd turn down an easy job. Boring!!!! Plus the guy looked like a greasy used-car salesman with a comb-over - ick! There is NO WAY I could stand having to look at that guy every day! I'm not leaving my kid for boring, ugly, or cheap.

The reasons for the other offers not taken were mainly about me not being quite sure that I actually wanted to work. I didn't tell them that, but that's really what it was about. I must say that I do actually enjoy the interview process though. Manipulating a situation and leaving a potential employer with them desperate to have YOU take the position is so hugely rewarding - I love a win!!! Whether I want the job or not, I want a win - it's just a nice ego-boost and leaves you feeling like you're on fire for weeks!

Sixteen years ago, I wouldn't have thought twice about taking a job while being a mom. Never known any different, my parents both worked and I went to daycare. But over the years, my thought process changed and as maturity hit and I became increasingly conservative, I couldn't imagine leaving a child with a babysitter while working. I supervised so many women who told me of their childcare nightmares and issues. Some even lost their jobs because of it. To keep my position as a top-performer and to maintain my reputation, I couldn't be put in the position of dealing with childcare issues. Not only that but, no one in the world could possibly take care of my kid the way I do. Too many stupid people in the world!

Now, Miss Fabulous is a pretty special kid - as all children are. However, there are some extremes about this kid's behavior that most people just don't understand. She's a perfectionist and she's overly competitive, among many other issues. I hear the comments all the time from moms about their kid being a drama queen and lemme tell ya, they just make me laugh in my head and trust me, I'm rolling my eyes at them too. They don't understand drama until they see Miss Fabulous in action having some particular issue. Even her teachers have mentioned it. At a previous preschool, I was called to come get her early because they couldn't calm her down and they didn't know what to do. You'd THINK adults who work with kids all day long and having done it for years could figure it out. Nope...a 3 year old was too much for them.

I was even questioned by the Director as to what might be happening at home. I laughed at her and told her that perhaps they might think about getting some training on childhood behaviors as well as speak to an expert on special education in all forms. Turns out that school really just stunk, no training whatsoever. In one "report card," I was instructed that my child wasn't doing something proper in respect to handling a pencil. I had to bring in current literature from an OT to show them that the methods they were using were outdated by approximately 15 years and no longer approved or recommended. Sure a group of moms can take care of kids and help them turn toilet paper rolls into butterflies every day but that doesn't qualify them to be a school. But they had horses to ride and other animals, so it was apparently cool. Not to me!

I'm a perfectionist too, I get it. I'm also a picky eater, I get it. I work with it and know what to expect and how to head off issues. My mother-in-law gets it, she's seen the meltdowns that can occur if things don't happen as they are meant to be. My dad gets it and he understands what happens as well. My husband also gets it - most of the time, when he's thinking clearly. If his head is elsewhere, well, we can have a tough day dealing with drama. Once it starts, it usually continues throughout the day.

As I sit here silently panicking about upcoming changes in my life, my mind keeps wandering to the many possibilities of disaster than could erupt. Everything is bigger in my head...and continues to grow exponentially.

My dad is now retired and will be taking over as our nanny, so to speak. He will take care of breakfast, morning playtime, lunch, and getting Miss Fabulous off to school and dance classes. I will be home just after that for dinner and evening playtime, as well as the typical bedtime stuff. As it is now, morning playtime is usually independent play as that is when I take a shower and do a bit of cleaning. So, I really don't miss anything other than being in the same location and little conversations with my daughter.

Now when Miss Fabulous was 1, I wouldn't even have considered leaving, nor would I went she was 2 or 3. At 4 and as the activities started to increase, I started to think about it a little but still wasn't quite certain. So many horrid things can happen in daycare and so many horrid daycare workers exist. The same horrid individuals can exist in preschools and schools, as I also came to witness over the years. There are simply some people I just don't desire for my kid to be around - and I'm not even touching on the ones who deserve to go to jail or worse. Just yucky people with no taste, class, or education.

I'm well aware that I'm freaking out without great reason, but I can't keep myself from doing it. My dad and Miss Fabulous can handle this. Sure there will be issues because he won't do something the same way I do or because he's a male and just doesn't get some girlie idea she comes up with. It's all happened so fast and it's really just shocking, there hasn't been time to think everything through (except really late at night when I'm not sleeping and have a stomach ache from imagining that my little girl might go to school having not eaten enough and without her hair fixed nicely.)

In all honesty, I think it's a nice transition for Miss Fabulous to gain greater independence from me and confidence in herself as she enters a full day school next year. It's also an opportunity for her and my dad to build some memories, which is something that is really important to me. My dad is the best and while we have this chance, I'd like her to have a special connection with him, as I do. But still...what if he doesn't get her dance tights on her just right, remember to have her use the restroom before class, or she doesn't have the required ponytail when she shows up? All the teachers have my email and cell phone number so I can obtain reports as to how wrong things are being done, but I do love my dad.

Have I actually mentioned that this job is only for three months? Yup, I'm near prozac for a three month position. That's the entire reason that I did take the job. It's a good company, potential future, a current reference, great pay, and a test for me to see if mommy is ready to go back to work or not.

I'm going to breathe deeply, hope I don't pass out from it, and put together some instructional materials so my dad knows that at 11:05 a.m. Miss Fabulous must be sitting at the table taking her first bite so she can finish by 11:35 a.m. and have time for shoes and socks and grabbing the snack before heading out the door at 11:42 a.m. Ah yes, my schedule...he'll need it.

So on Monday, I'm going to try not to cry at work and will try to resist the urge to call the house more than once during the day. But above all, I'm desperately going to do everything in my power to remember not to tell anyone that "I have to go to the potty" or wipe anything from anyone else's face. Wish me luck!