Just a little more time

Just found out that my girlfriend passed away last night. Breast cancer got another one. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm glad she's no longer in pain. I'm trying to tell myself that she's better off and happy now.

But...I'm pissed that her family doesn't have her in their lives. I'm pissed that I couldn't be there more. I'm pissed that her daughter will never have her mother beside her when she gets married. I'm pissed that her daughter will not have her mother with her when she has babies. I'm pissed that cancer keeps taking people.

There is something just WRONG with people our age not being alive!!! She deserved to live and enjoy everything she has worked for. She had her dream home and she really appreciated it! She should be getting ready for Thanksgiving with her family.

My thoughts keep wondering if we all have a purpose or lesson to learn in life and we have this limited time frame to learn & do whatever our mission intends. I don't know. If it is...what the heck is my mission?

I suppose I'll just take this day to reflect a little more on this, do some vacuuming, enjoy my Starbucks, and...be the mommy.

What I know is that I'll always remember our conversations; what I learned from her in the last one. The little light that flipped on in my head at that moment. I'll remember seeing her sleep. I'll savor my friends just a little bit more and take time to really look at the sky.

Show me a sign...

Can't stop the shakes.

Cold weather?
My nerves with parents coming over later?
Guilt from doing carbs?
My bosses boss wants me to put together documentation on my boss?
A good friend who is sick?

I don't know what it is but my stomach is in knots. My hands are shaking. I'm nervous! I feel like I can't quite breathe. My heart is pounding. I feel like something bad is going to happen and I can't shake it. If I were speaking in public in front of a large crowd, I would understand this. But I don't and I'm not.

I want it to go away or be shown what it is.

Why I Stay Away From the News

Like it or not, there are people out there who are just bad. A kind word, a smile, a nice gesture are not going to change those people. Everyone has bad things happen to them growing up, some have it far worse than others. But even those who have the hardest lives don't choose to do horrid things and torture others.

My personal opinion is that those people just need to be gone. I'm sure there are some tree huggers out there that believe that kindness can save them.

How kind do you need to be to fix a person who beat a dog with a baseball bat and left it to die on the side of a highway?

But that poor man, what if he'd had a bad day and lost his job!

How kind do you need to be to fix a person who beat a father to death, kidnapped the mother and took her to a bank to steal their money, raped and tortured the mother until killing her, and tied two young daughters to their beds, tortured the girls, sexually assaulted the 9 year old girl, and then put gasoline on their bodies, started a fire on them, and left them to suffer and die with the bodies of their parents?

But that poor man was abused as a child, had a family of his own and was good to his own kids, and was being rehabilitated as he just got out of prison!

How kind do you need to be to fix a mother who allows her live-in boyfriend to rape her daughter nightly and let him beat that child as well?

But that poor woman was being beaten by that man too and her husband left her and she's addicted to drugs!

Will kindness really fix that kind of evil?

THIS is why I can't read the news and this is why I can't deal with bleeding heart liberals. Not everyone can be saved, but we need to save others from the evil that these people commit.

Yeah, sure, just give them a nice smile. In the meantime, somebody give me my gun.

My Purpose

I LOVE being at home! My contract job is slowly coming to an end. I have been working since January, on what was to be a 3 month contract assignment. It popped up out of the blue on an email and I initially thought it was a scam.

Strangely I had been thinking about going back to work and jobs started presenting themselves. Though I wasn't particularly serious about it, I was interviewing a bit - figured after 5 years of being at home it was good to rebuild those skills. This perfect & temporary assignment just appeared and I decided to give it a shot. My dad had just retired and I had him to watch my daughter and get her to preschool and dance lessons.

Those three months have gone beyond 10 months now and this job has been a definite learning experience. I do love working and this job in particular. They let me do a flex schedule, I take off whenever I want, and I can still be a mommy. Over the summer I worked only two days per week so I could be with my daughter. Since school started, I have been taking my daughter to school, going to work, getting off early, and have picked up my daughter from school every single day. I haven't missed any part of this experience with Miss Fabulous.

But...it's coming to an end. I'm now working 4 hours a day for only two days of the week. Financially it's not even beneficial to drive there for those two days, but...it's a nice opportunity and I have grown to really enjoy most of my co-workers.

This job has shown me that I CAN work and be a great mom. That I enjoy working part-time but prefer being a full-time mom. That I still have "it" and am a great employee.

Most importantly though, it's shown me just how clueless most people are. Most - not all. They are stressed about the silliest things, complain about having to go to work rather than being grateful for the opportunity, or just simply don't appreciate their co-workers as real people.

There are absolutely some folks you just don't want to be around, but knocking people behind their backs just ain't ever gonna be cool with me. The large corporate life is so different. People spend their time plotting and working angles to climb the silly corporate ladder and gain bigger titles while being bitter about the promotion someone "less worthy" got. They work to avoid actually having to work. The women are all convinced that they do not get the same benefits or pay or titles simply because they are women. Though I've seen that actually happen, in this situation, it's not the case. They don't see how their positions are different from those men they are comparing themselves to. In the corporate environment, everyone is a victim - they can't seem to just appreciate what they have.

Maybe it's all that I have experienced the past few years, but I just don't see things the same way. I really enjoy people I work with - as individuals. I love chatting with them and laughing with them. I love the silly emails they send me. I love the pictures of their families. I love to hear what they are appreciating in life. I love that they trust me enough to share the laughs. And I love being able to help them all in my job.

When I first started working there, I was "punished" from time to time by a co-worker. One day I was told to clean out filing cabinets because I was wearing jeans and this particular group of women always dress up for work, even though the rest of the department is very casual. I happen to enjoy cleaning and I was still helping out, it was awesome. I felt bad because she didn't realize that they were losing money on paying me to clean out filing cabinets rather than a task equal to the pay. Plus my other co-workers stopped to chat so it was extremely pleasant. There were some unpleasant punishments, but those were only words and they only stung temporarily.

Some folks just don't understand - I was never looking for the corporate ladder and something so trivial would never bother me for long. Thankfully the punishments went away when she realized that I stood up for her to others. I hope they all find that trust in themselves someday.

I have really enjoyed this working part of my life and love knowing what I want and what I don't. However, the past few days of errands, grocery shopping, house cleaning, volunteering, and casual time have been so wonderful. I just feel more like I'm "in" my life and serving my purpose. I love my thinking time.

Fairly certain that I will never be a sit around and just be kinda gal, but this life is more toward my purpose.

Life Lessons

I recently had a chance to visit a friend who has terminal cancer. She is in the final stages of her life or "this life" depending upon how you look at it.

My friend is the wife of one of my husband's co-workers. When we first met, their children were small and they were rarely able to go out with us. We had no kids and went out as we pleased. The first year we lived in the same town, we threw a Halloween party and invited them. They didn't come but we forgot all about it. They had small children; we understood.

As the years went on, we mingled at company events and Christmas parties but were never especially close. She was a really nice person, we were just in different phases of our lives and didn't have so many common interests. Then I got pregnant. Never thought about her being a nurse in the hospital there or that her department was all about the babies.

The first faces that I saw after giving birth were hers and her husbands. She wasn't working but had found out that we were in the hospital and they came by. My personal experience in the hospital was absolutely horrid. I am also a very private person and had no intention of inviting anyone to the hospital. I looked like crap, felt like crap, and had literally just given birth minutes before. However, seeing her there felt like an absolute Godsend. She was the first person to ever hold my baby - other than me and my husband. That's pretty special, to me.

I stopped working and became a stay-at-home-mom. Still, I didn't see her much. One day I ran into town to my husband's office - hadn't showered, looked like crap. Despite trying to be sneaky and avoid anyone seeing me, I ran into my friend. I said something about being embarrassed about my appearance and she said "Actually it's kind of nice. Everytime I see you, you've got your hair and make-up done and are all dressed up while I'm in my ponytail and sweats. It's nice to know that you have those days and are a regular person too." I hadn't thought of it like that; she definitely made me feel more comfortable.

Our daughter was about 18 months old when we had a company event in Reno. We had to hire a nanny for the evening so we could attend. While the guys were working, my friend spent the entire day walking around the shops with me and chatting. Always patient with me and my little chatterbug; never offering unsolicited advice to the novice mom despite being a nurse and mother. It was nice to not be so alone in a hotel not used to serving families.

My friend's daughter had become old enough to babysit and I had become okay with leaving my nearly two-year-old daughter for a few hours. Her daughter was the first person to babysit my daughter. That's pretty special to me too. We started occassionally going out to dinners together while her daughter babysat.

A few months later we decided to move to Colorado. The company my husband works for was more like a family at the time. Everyone from a small town, years of fun together, years of work together, years of spending our lives and sharing our families together - it was just very unique. I remember my friend saying "after all these years, just when I feel like we're finally becoming good friends and have a strong connection, it's time for you to leave." A few months after we moved, she was diagnosed with cancer.

We flew back for a company party and the chemo had taken away her gorgeous, dark, long hair. And her eye-lashes. And her eye brows. But she was the exact same person, just missing the regular sparkle she usually had. Didn't get to spend much time with her on that trip but got great news later - she beat it! Cancer free! That amazing hair of hers grew back even prettier than it had been and she got her sparkle back!

Every time we had a chance to go back to California for a company event, I got to play with my friend. It got better and better! She would come to the hotel and we would go to lunch together. She always made time to see me. I got to see her new house that they designed and had built; her dream home and it is amazing!

Several months ago she told me that her cancer had returned and that it was terminal, "no cure." She started chemo again. When I visited her she mentioned our Halloween party from more than 10 years ago and told me that she felt so bad that they didn't come. I hadn't even remembered it. I took her to a chemo appointment and fell apart when they brought out the needles. She calmed ME down. I took her swimming and we had a great time chatting. We had lunch with other girlfriends at her house. She modeled hats for me and was absolutely adorable in all of them. She lost her hair again but not her sparkle. Then I went home.

After a weird telephone conversation with her, the darn cancer acted up and pushed her back into the hospital. It took a month to arrange to get out there, but we made it! Walking into the hospital, my husband and I ran into her and her husband and she opened up her arms for a hug with her big, happy grin. It was awesome and I was about to hug her when I realized - I hadn't scrubbed down or used sanitizer yet! Took care of that ASAP and got our hugs!

All these silly friends of ours had been telling me to prepare myself. Finally got to see her and she looked great! She looked like my friend - no different. Her eyes are exactly the same, with extra sparkle, and her smile is still contagious. She made both of our husbands leave to run some errands and had a great chance to chat. I loved how she pushed them out! Classic!!!

She grabbed my hand. She mentioned that she had always been so reserved, not hugging or holding hands or cuddling with people - except with her kids. I don't like it either and have always done the same thing. She learned that it's really nice and she really likes it. She's right - it is really nice to hold hands with your friends and hugs from a friend are absolutely awesome.

I still have no idea what the purpose in all of this is but I am thankful to my friend for teaching me so many lessons about life and being such a huge part of mine. I hope she gets out of that hospital and to her own dream home soon. I hope I can get back out there to see her again soon. But more than anything, I just kind of want to selfishly hold hands with her again soon! In the meantime, I know I'm treasuring my life and all my experiences just a little more than usual.

Annoyances Squared

I can't stop bitching inside my head right now. The weekend started off just fine and lots of wonderful things have happened. I AM really happy, but...I'm gettin' kinda mad too.

Instead of sleeping in with the rest of the family yesterday, I had to get up early to go open a checking account for a little girl thing that I volunteered for. Now, I am not certain why my co-volunteer thought we needed to do this first thing in the morning - and I really didn't understand it when I had to wait for her to arrive 20 minutes AFTER our appointment time (I got there 10 minutes early, like I always do.)

Okay...the appointment, I got the ball rolling and she finally shows up and then the bank's computers aren't working so we can't finish getting the account set-up and will have to come back later. My co-volunteer gets grumpy with the lady and starts turning into an ogre; I turn on my sweet button and start to bridge the gap saying how WE understand and it's not intentional and thus settle my partner-turned-ogre down into quiet steam. Way cool, bank lady thanks US for being so understanding and gives us a $20 Starbucks card as a thank you. Yeah, we have to go back another time - but whatever, I'm cool with that.

Out in the parking lot, the late co-volunteer decides that we need to meet to plan out the year and our meetings. Ummm....no we really don't, these kids are kindergarteners, we can handle some things via email and not get all psycho crazy about this while still accomplishing our goals. But whatever, I stand in the parking lot another 30 minutes being nice while ready to get on with my other plans for the day. Mission accomplished, I head home and co-volunteer has turned back into a happy lady. Maybe it was her cold that made her get...you know.

Now it's time to put up the Halloween decorations. By myself, I lug up the first two giant tubs of decorations while the husband and Miss Fabulous watch me. Finally the husband stands up and goes down and gets the others. Everyone's ready to put up the decorations. Uh, no...we need to clean the house first. Everyone disappears and I clean by myself, as usual. THAT aggravates me, I've been asking for help with cleaning since I started working and the help is always promised but never delivered.

Meanwhile, the lawn outside also hasn't been mowed and the piles of dog poop are so overwhelming that it might be easier to start our own fertilizer outfit. Of course, the cleaning thing happened last weekend too and last weekend I mentioned that I'd like help. I think I got help with one bathroom (the small counter and toilet were cleaned, not the dusting, not the baseboards, not the tub, not the floor) - we have four bathrooms. The house is 5000 square feet. Doing it all by myself is simply not possible, though I continue to try.

Today I had an idea of doing something I'd wanted to try out. I quit printing our family pictures over 3 years ago, they're saved on the computer and on disks - but there's just not enough time to do more. I wanted to take some of our pics from this summer and our last trip to Disneyland and create a video with them. I organized the pics and then the camera decided that it wasn't going to let me transfer the pics it took BACK to the camera from the computer. UGH! I went to reach for a CD out of my box - but the box of my blank CD's wasn't there. I looked everywhere. Then I remember that approximately a month prior, as I was cleaning the house, my husband decided that he would "help" by organizing the cupboards in my office. I looked; I couldn't find my box.

So now I have to wait....Miss Fabulous and my husband went out to play on her bike. When they finally come back, I ask my husband where he put them. Of course, he doesn't remember and thinks he never saw the box. Ummmm....no, I am extremely organized and I know EXACTLY where my box of CDs are - they always have been there since we moved into this house 4 years ago. After about 20 minutes, he finds where he put them - downstairs in a storage area that I don't go in (because there are spiders down there and no one will help me clean the area.)

At this point, it's been 2 hours into this activity with no progress made. We still have to do grocery shopping and finish cleaning the house. I can't clean the house because I don't have my cleaning chemicals. I don't have my cleaning chemicals because last week I had to clean the house by myself again and had to send my husband to get the groceries. With a list of just the usual items - but none of the cleaners were purchased.

So it's now obvious that I'm extremely annoyed. I didn't get to play, I couldn't find my stuff, no one's helping even though I've been asking for 9 months, and I can't get anything done because I don't have the things I need to do them. I could have left to go to the grocery store but didn't want them to come back and not know where I was, didn't know if there was anything he needed that wasn't on a list, and I still needed the CDs.

Sooooooo the husband decides that he will go get the groceries so I can now take my disks and get the videos made before I get back to clean the house; but then he walks back in and asks "can we take your car or do we have to take mine."

"Yeah sure, take my car, I wasn't planning on going anywhere anyway..."

There's more, but I'm done for now.

My miniature mid-life crisis - in my head...

Approaching my 19 year anniversary of marriage and boy does it make me think. I'm HOW old? I'm chasing a 5 year old and her little kindergarten friends and really I do love every single minute of it. Happy tears flow regularly and that's really something to enjoy. But I'm married to a guy who is 42 years old - how did THAT happen? Seriously! I'm only...okay, no, I'm not in my 20's - whoops, forgot.

I love my life and every single minute of it. I love my family beyond all being. I appreciate the comfort and familiarity and dependability of things. However, I can't help but think and think and think. I suppose it's the mom's life of imagination and surviving tasks like wiping noses, butts, and cleaning up vomit. I keep it in my head, mostly. But lately I think it's turning into a mid-life crisis - but only in my head, please, I DO have responsibilities.

But...oh how attractive and intriguing are the thoughts of running off to a large and culturally thriving metropolitan area or the solitude of a beach. By myself. Views of San Francisco through a posh and well-designed hotel room, with room service and desserts of creme brulee and warm chocolate lava cake. A walk along the pier and no conversation but just the ability to experience my own senses.

How about just the opportunity for an entire weekend of no clothing, great and constant sex, views, and...okay, room service again. Dinner out at dimly-lit, fantastic restaurants, featuring master-piece culinary creations that spark excitement in all senses and that do NOT serve chicken nuggets, pizza, or hot dogs. Quiet appreciation with some random man who doesn't want to watch sports all weekend and maybe who just wants to enjoy and experience those things with me - who doesn't have any intention of talking about the adorable thing a child did or anything about work or emails and who doesn't have a Blackberry tagging along that beeps incessantly and demands attention every waking hour. Someone who doesn't spill things all over or need food cut up for them. A man who gets why I starve myself of carbs and perhaps appreciates it.

Going for a jog around Venice with JUST my incredibly attentive poodle and getting to sit afterwards at a Starbucks, in a clean & comfy chair overlooking the ocean with the most perfect Caramel Macchiato I've ever had.

How about chocolate fondue, all OVER my body or.... Okay, so now I'm probably scaring my regular, suburban mom friends and everyone else on earth and no one would have any idea just how far my warped little thoughts go.

Sometimes the mind just wanders and, wow, I think maybe I need a getaway soon. Unfortunately, there are school events and fundraisers calling my name, one of the dogs needs an appointment for her shots and check-up, I haven't yet cleaned my bathroom, and my daughter needs to visit the dentist. So, back to reality and life and being able to see a 5 year old celebrate her way into being 6.

As for my anniversary, I suppose a few hours with a babysitter and dinner at a no-reservations beer joint with good food and clean restrooms is pretty nice too. At least they have creme brulee and I have a great imagination. Wink, wink...

Having a little inner tantrum

A few weeks ago, my family voted against me. Every year since my daughter was born, we've gone to Disneyland for her birthday. And, of course, we go a few others times during the year as well. BUT Halloween is my favorite holiday ever and that's a tradition for my daughter's birthday.

My husband prefers Christmas and still hasn't found his Halloween spirit after 19 years of being with me and enduring more Halloween decorations than Christmas ones. He voted against me in favor of visiting in December instead.

We've also had Miss Fabulous enter Kindergarten this year and school is as important as ever to her. We know we can't take her out of school 3 weeks a year so my off-season Disney trips are running out (I'm thinking about Disney cruises now!) Unfortunately, the school fundraiser awards happen to be occurring during the time when we planned to be in my dream vacation spot. So, apparently a limo ride to lunch and a few stuffed animals are higher priority.

We were at dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. We had a vote - Halloween or Christmas. They both voted against me. Miss Fabulous voted against me. I'm totally pissed.

When Will it End?

This is a real life post. Some great, some good, some bad, and if ya can't deal with it or just don't to, stop reading and go away.

This weekend Miss Fabulous performed in her third recital. Performing is sooooo her thing. She just adores it - having an audience, dressing up, having her makeover. The audience turned out to be an issue. Maybe more for me than for her but sometimes her silence speaks volumes, because Miss Fabulous is never silent.

At the last minute I was asked to be her room mom for her night of tap & ballet performances. I was tickled because I've done it the past two years and didn't want to miss the backstage excitement and play and to see her enjoy that! Then I was DELIGHTED when, at rehearsal, our school director asked if I would go backstage and help with another class during the hip hop performance night. Okay, not my kid's class, but I love those girls too and I'd only be steps away from my baby and be able to watch her. I love the backstage time and my heart was so full!!! I coulda hugged that woman and she didn't even know she'd made my day!

Friday came around and we rushed through the house cleaning, yard mowing, shopping, and make-over for Miss Fabulous. She was so excited she couldn't sit still! My wonderful in-laws came to spend the night and we met up with friends for dinner and the show! I got to dress and undress a group of girls three times AND play with them AND see my daughter from the sidelines backstage. I adore cheering those kids on! It was beyond a dream come true!

When we came out to meet our family & friends after the performance, I couldn't see my dad or mom anywhere. I asked my husband and was told "they left earlier; we'll have to talk about that later." Okaaaaaay. I got in the car with our friends to help navigate to an ice cream shop while my husband drove the rest of the family. So my girlfriend told me the scoop during the car ride.

My husband and friends had saved seats for my parents and waved them over when they arrived. Long story short, my mom flat out refused to look at them and kept waving my dad into different rows to avoid sitting with "us." It was obvious and left our group pretty wide-eyed. So my dad gave in and they sat three rows behind our family. Then they split right after my daughter finished her dance. So my daughter had no idea that they were even there. My dad did have the opportunity to tell my FIL that he was bleeding from a prostate biopsy he had a week ago and I hope that's why they left (and then again I also hope not.) No call that night or all day on Saturday though. I didn't say anything and hid my disappointment fairly well. I had house guests and really didn't want to make a phone call and chance any drama invading this time.

Then we all loaded up and went to the performance on Saturday. Excitement again, big hair again, and lots of smiles from Miss Fabulous! My husband said he wouldn't bother holding seats that night after what had happened. So, it was just him and his parents sitting together.

One of our girls didn't show up at all and I sure hope she and her parents are okay. The rest of my girls and I had a fabulous time backstage. We got in and out of several costume changes without issue and made it to every number perfectly outfitted! Considering the multiple pairs of tights and time constraints - we rocked! We had a great little picnic on a blanket on the floor; we did "cheers!" to each other in little pink flowered dixie cups; and we played games together. I saw a million dazzling little smiles and girls and boys from other groups came over to join us - THAT is what makes being a room mom the best reward in the world! My daughter was elated and so tickled telling everyone I was her room mom!

Then we walked back out to the audience to meet up with the family and I got to hear privately that my dad didn't show up at all. My mom had shown up, sat alone, and then left early again. Miss Fabulous didn't even know that they were there to watch her for anything! These are her friends, her little world, and she has worked so hard on these dances! And she didn't say a word or even ask.

When we got home, the first thing I did was check our phone for messages. Nothing - no calls, no messages. I took the time to turn on my cell phone, which I never have with me. No messages, no calls.

And now it's a day later. Here I sit - no calls, no messages. I'm partly worried. I'm upset. I'm angry that nothing can ever be simply about my daughter. I don't understand this. However, I guess when a mental disorder is in play, there IS no level of understanding nor can there be room for thought about how actions make consequences. On one hand, I hope my dad is so sick that he can't pick up a phone. But, of course, I hope that's also NOT the case because I love and adore my dad. It just hurts a little in my heart that he would not take the time to be a part of this family to accommodate my mom's quest and desire for drama. That he would actually choose to allow us to be hurt yet again rather than stand up to her fits of insanity and bullying seems to be a tough one on my soul.

So, I suppose it's nearly time for me to make that call AGAIN and find out why he didn't come. I suppose it's time to take the chance that my mom answers the phone and starts drama and causes my head to hurt and heart to ache AGAIN. I'm prepping....it's been a long day of prepping and hoping for someone else to extend their hand and make the effort just by calling. I'll shift my backbone into gear and do this yet again. And I'll resent having to be put into this position, again.

And I'll continue to wonder...when will this end? Or is it my job to make this end? Speak a little louder please God, cause I'm not yet hearing you.

Hitting the Escape Button

I am a very private person and it takes quite a bit for me to be open and share anything personal or even simple things about my life. This past year has been a bit cathartic in releasing some of that control and opening and sharing myself with others. I much prefer staying in my home, staying away from life's ordeals with my husband and daughter, and a few friends I've known since I was a child or one from college. Trading pleasantries with acquaintances only when necessary, avoiding anyone getting too close, and maintaining a postive exterior for those outside of my world to view - THAT is my comfort zone.

I think a number of experiences in my world shaped this self-imposed alienation from strangers. First - family experiences growing up; I learned very clearly that blood is NOT thicker than water and people related to you will hurt you faster than you can blind an eye. Second - a rape, yup, I don't talk about that much with anyone who knows me and very few people have any idea that it's happened, but I've used my experience to help others who don't when the situation has arisen. I don't share those details with anyone close to me, sometimes that bit of privacy is all you have left. Lastly - my mother. If you can't trust and depend upon your own mother, who in the world could you possibly trust with any sort of details or thoughts about your life.

I believe that everyone carries some sort of baggage with them and that's really our own personal tool to learn from, grow from, and educate ourselves with. I really think it's a God-given tool to learn about life and figure out who you are. You always hear how God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and I honestly do believe that, though sometimes it sure seems that there aren't enough tears to make it through the rough patches and surely your heart will explode at some point. But it works out.

The past year has been a journey for me to experience letting go of some things and not hiding so completely behind my facade. Not that it's a complete facade, I am very blessed and have an abundance of wonder and joy in my life. Admittedly, I have had a fun time letting go and sharing a bit more of myself and really speaking this past year. However, I am toying with hitting that escape button. I was once told by a grandmother that the only appropriate response to someone asking "how are you?" is "fine, thanks!" According to my grandmother, people genuinely don't care to know the honest answer to that question, so if you answer is fine or if your best friend just died, keep it to yourself.

Before I take the step to let someone "into" my life, I typically have to feel ridiculously comfortable with that person. They'll certainly never know every detail and will only have a portion of me. For me, that's still extreme trust. Over time, that person might get other pieces of the puzzle that is me but the full view isn't likely - at least at this point, it's not something I'm comfortable with. For a friend, I would do everything I could to jump over the moon. I'd sell everything I have to help someone I've let in if there was a real need and if that wasn't enough, I'd beg, borrow, and steal. I am protective and loyal.

However, step on me and I don't fight back. I retreat and remove myself. I refuse to waste my time fighting with anyone who doesn't believe in me to begin with. There's no need for making up and there won't be a conversation later. Step on someone I care about and the result is the same - you are history.

Amazing that I've been with the same man for 20 years now; however, only twice in all those years has he made an intentional misstep. We both know I've never forgotten it and sometimes I still don't trust him completely. However, he is my husband and has received a few extra chances. Overwhelmingly, his desire has never been to hurt anyone or to risk hurting for self-gain. He's an honest and true person with a spine to back it up - and that's not just about me, but life in general. He treats others with respect and does what he can to think of another when making decisions. That's character.

For someone who makes the choice to hurt; shock hits the system and shut down mode is immediately triggered. Absolutely I'll be pleasant for the rest of my life, but my time and privacy are simply too valuable to me to bother with anyone who took the time to purposely cause an issue or hurt another person. I don't turn back on, I remember and may eventually forgive, but I never forget. I learn my lesson and promptly hit my escape button.

I'm not talking about accidental words that were never meant or intended, but willful and purposeful speech, gossip, writings...drama for self-gain. People should always think before they act, and we all absolutely make a thousand mistakes in dealing with people appropriately. Mistakes are something you learn from and are repairable. Desire to turn a situation into something bigger while acknowledging and accepting risk of hurting another person is the worst thing anyone could ever show me.

Is it a grudge? Not really, I don't wish any ill will and wouldn't want anything bad to happen to another person. More so I believe it's an indication of character and refuse to put myself into a situation where an individual of poor character has access to my time and life. We all get mad, but getting mad leads to getting over something and a resolution. When we get hurt, that's another thing entirely.

I have enough hurt in my life, I don't feel the need to experience more than what I am required to. I require my focus to take care of my true friends who need time. Life is all about friends, but figuring out who those real friends are is a huge key. It's the chocolate fudge.

I am partially forced to deal with the situation involving my mother because I want to keep my relationship with my dad intact. He wants his marriage; for what reasons neither I nor the counselor can seem to fathom, but he wants it, so...that leaves me in this situation. I avoid and stay in my corner of the world. I will answer the phone and be polite, but some things are simply not repairable and when those acts or malicious intentions are repeated, I simply can't forget it and take it as a lesson. Poor character is avoidable and a simple thing to avoid with a bit of thought, but psychological disorders are another category entirely. I can't even bear the thought that I should ever put my baby through even one singular incident that I have endured due to mental illness. For my life and sanity, surviving this has required the escape key. Sometimes repeatedly...the only problem is that is doesn't always work.

My latest experience with an individual pales in comparison to what I MUST endure in my daily life. I have to retain some energy to deal with situations involving my grandmother, everyday struggles, and the lives of true friends who are having sincere difficulties. Recently it seems that my life is surrounded by cancer, with a few friends having the experience of the non-curable form or other terminal illnesses. I am not ready to let go of any of those friends and I know each and every one of them intends on hanging around for quite some time. I need strength for those friends and they need my strength. Though it is clearly their burden and I can not share in that or compare to their life experience, it does tend to weigh heavily on the mind.

I have already distanced myself a bit from those who are not a realistic part of my life and can feel an imminent shutdown on the horizon. I live my life and very fully, if I were avoiding experiences, I know that would be wrong. I have to be a mommy and more so, I want to be a fantastic mommy. That takes effort and energy. I want to be a great friend to the individuals in my life who have exhibited great character.

I just prefer to be as happy as I can be in my life and if hitting the escape key accomplishes that...is it really such a bad idea?

Perfect Days - Pass It On!

So this past Saturday, Miss Fabulous and I got up a little too early, say 6:45am. That's considering we'd been to Disney On Ice the night before and been up WAAAAAAY too late for a 5 year old.

Earlier in the morning (aka buttcrack of dawn) the husband had gotten up to catch an airplane and make his way to Guam and leave us for more than a week. I seriously despise my husband's long business trips. I'm okay with 2, 3, even 4 days but missing the weekend as a family just stinks in my book.

Mama seriously wasn't pleased to be up quite that early. With the new job, it's up just after six every morning and sleeping in would have been nice. Kids just don't cooperate. However, I did my thing and got the giant poodles fed, emptied the dishwasher, made the beds, and finally Miss Fabulous was ready for breakfast. She's a princess ya know....gotta wait until the mood strikes her and it WAS the weekend, so we can be more flexible on schedule.

After breakfast, I needed to go take my shower quickly. We had a party at the Disney Store to go to and I wanted to be at the 11:00am one because another mom from the preschool had told me they were going to that one. My daughter is a social creature, extremely extroverted, so...having a friend there is cool stuff. I was looking forward to going to that for her, I knew she'd really enjoy it.

However, I didn't go take my shower...I decided to mess around on Facebook for a few minutes. Shut UP - it's just a few minutes! I'm so thankful I took the time to do that. I read my emails and checked comments on my profile and responded to a few (I didn't have time to respond to ALL of them just yet.) Then I hit the button for my home page to see what folks were up to - sometimes it gives me nice ideas, laughs, or just smiles and that's always a great way to start out the day.

Well, I happen to be a fan of a few (okay several) businesses on there. Shockingingly, I saw a post from the shop where we buy our dog food. "This world is filled with people who amaze and inspire you, but it isn't often that it is a child! Her name is Morgan. Her love and compassion for dogs is remarkable! She is also smart, sassy and very social! Children like Morgan were born to make a diffence in this world. In the meantime, she can make a difference in ...my world by just gracing Pet Empawrium with her smile, while being a fan of Jett!"

(Just to clarify - Jett is the name of one of the dogs who "own" that store, formerly abused and now rescued and with a wonderful family. For some odd reason, Miss Fabulous and Jett have a relationship. She adores that dog. She loves all of them, but there's something special about Jett in her eyes.)

Can you say wow???? That post knocked my socks off. I was in tears nearly immediately after reading that. It's not like we're close friends, we're merely customers - although huge supporters! My daughter had gone into the store with my husband on Friday to get the dog food so I had one less errand to do myself while he's gone and Miss Fabulous had a suggestion for the store owner about her closed sign. Simple as that and yet these words arrived on my desktop first thing in the morning. I normally wouldn't even have seen it. Something was in the air.

So, after a few minutes of extreme happy-heartedness and elation, I bounced off to the shower. We got to the Disney Store in more than enough time, got a Starbucks, and my daughter had some Princess & The Frog fun with a friend. Then we shopped a bit around the store and got a birthday gift for another princess. Her friend and her mom were still there too. Finally, we said our LAST goodbyes, went on our way, hit the potties and went to have lunch. Amazingly, we met up with said friend, baby sister, and her mom and sat with them for lunch.

First off, I oughta mention that this lady works at the Disney Store - a dream come true in my book! What could be better for a Disney junkie like me??? Their family loves to visit Disneyland and DisneyWorld (they went up another huge notch on my amazing scale.) Then, I find out that our daughters were born 6 days apart AND her daughter is also tall for her age, so we've experienced a lot of the same craziness with people's expectations and idiocity. To top it all off, we've applied to exactly the same schools for next year. Oh yeah, and she's a Facebook junkie too. I LIKE this woman! I could seriously become her stalker but in the meantime, I just added her as a Facebook friend.

After a really wonderful lunch, AND compliments about our daughters' behaviors from a complete stranger (wow!), Miss Fabulous and I regretfully set off to finish our errands. I swear we floated around the mall, we were both pretty euphoric. We hit Sephora where I put make-up samples on my daughter before getting the cleanser I had gone for and then found a sale at Cache - so I got these great jeans for myself at really low prices. I rarely buy anyting for myself, so that was kinda neat.

We decided to go through Nordstroms and hit the potties before getting in the car again and had to walk past the kid's shoe section before walking out. (I had previously told Miss Fabulous that she would be needing some new sandals and the Lelli Kelli's should come out in about a month.) Amazingly, right there by the door were the most magnificent (if you're a five year old girl), jewel-covered, metallic pink Lelli Kelli sandals. She looked at me and asked if she could try some one. Oh, why not! And yes, we walked out with them.

We played around the house for a bit and Miss Fabulous enjoyed her sandals. I got a chance to chat with my lovely mother-in-law (actually she really is!) and told her all about our day as well as about the dog food store Facebook post. My MIL was as happy as I was! In fact, she became a "fan" and posted a note for the store owner!

Our neighbors happened to be hosting a St. Patrick's Day party that afternoon/evening. So, Miss Fabulous and I prepared to go over for a bit and it was nice out so I told her to wear her new sandals with socks. There were other kids there and she was so pleased to play with them, that I let it go on for a bit longer than I normally would have. We came back to the house for the mandatory dinosaur chicken with a promise that we'd go back to play with the kids. And we did, after Miss Fabulous did an outfit change. My lovely 16 year old neighbor did some Irish dancing and led everyone in a group dance.

The five year old neighbor boy seemed to be a bit intrigued with Miss Fabulous and wanted to kiss, but then again, he wanted to play kissy-face with me too. (Note to self - move before puberty if they neighbors haven't done so already.) Such a scandalous situation... They insisted on being partners for the dance although the other kids were all pairing with an adult. It was cute and the kids were all so sweet.

And then it was time to go home and take that bath and get the kidlet to her pillows! We had a lot of fun and giggles talking about our day and she went to sleep happy, healthy, and easily!

I was still on Cloud Nine! What a wonderful, wonderful day! It made me think of the end of Legally Blonde and the Perfect Day song playing. I seriously felt like that. It had been the most perfect day. I sent off an email to my MIL with the store owner's comments so she could do some grandma-sharing with her friends and family and headed downstairs to my treadmill. I got in a fabulous four mile run and was majestically sweaty, and my heart and soul were absolutely dancing.

Kind of makes me wonder, just one kind deed - could it make the perfect day for someone else? If I could create that feeling for someone else, it sure is worth trying, regularly! Pass it on!

Hard Times Just Aren't So Hard

Now I get to drive to work in the mornings again and I've again picked up listening to a new (new to me) radio show. Mainly music is what I go for, some fun and meaningful tunes and the sunshine on the way to work put a smile on my face and make me think about how wonderful life really is. I get a kick out of smiling at other people on the way to work as they sit in THEIR cars - especially when you get a smile back. I also really love my Starbucks trip and on occassion I love to pay for the car in back of me at the drive-thru with my personal message sent via the barrista, "have a great day and pass it on!" Not really a better way to start the day.

Back to the radio show though; today they were talking about "good news." People were calling in sharing their own personal good news and it was cool. A mom called in to say that her son is coming home from Iraq for Easter; she'd not gotten to see him for any of the other Holidays and this woman was just ecstatic. A wife called in to say her husband was coming home from Afghanistan and they're having a baby. Then a doctor called in to say she'd just found a donor for one of her patients, a 16 year old girl in bad need of a lung transplant. Wow! The next man called in to say he's celebrating his one year anniversary being clean & sober. Yup, I will admit to some tears.

Life really ought to be about these good things. When you've got problems and annoyances, we should spend less time worrying about those things and stressing ourselves out and refocus on the good news. There is always good news to focus on.

A little over a year ago, I was under some serious stress between moving my Grandma out of my house, trying to help take care of my grandmother and transition her to Assisted Living, my dog (aka first baby) passing away from cancer, and in the middle of my mom hating me and my dad temporarily moving out of the house with her and moving in with ME and my family. It was rough, my back and stomach were hurting regularly to the point that I was thinking there was something physically wrong with me and I might need to go to a doctor and on a few occassions the ER. I don't really go to the doctor, so that's a big step for me. I see my dermatologist and my gyno for my regular check-ups and don't feel the need to see any other unless I'm near death. I was regularly developing lumps in my breasts and in other lymph areas and becoming increasingly concerned.

Then one night while my husband was traveling and my daughter sleeping, I saw a movie that I hadn't seen in years. City Slickers. Sure, it's a great & entertaining movie but on that one occassion, the movie actually SPOKE to me and I learned something from it. The secret of life. You have to find your one thing - that's what makes you happy. It's different for everyone, you have to find YOUR one thing. I was ecstatic and bawling by the end of the movie, but I did make some changes from then on. I took back control of my life and started working to find MY one thing.

Well, I found it. I know what my one thing is and refocusing my life around that one thing has given me back my health and sanity and my life. The pains and aches and lumps disappeared - all caused from stress. Of course the issues with life, my grandma, and my mom still cause stress - but not like it did before. Like water off a duck's back....you have to learn to let it roll off. Some might temporarily stick, but you have to find the sunshine and let it go. My one thing is so much stronger and brighter than any of the negative stuff; if I focus on that...I can live and enjoy my life.

Now listening to that radio show was a great reminder. Whatever MY problems or YOUR problems might be, they absolutely will always pale in comparison to those of another person. I certainly don't need a lung transplant and I am not the mother of that 16 year old girl who needs it either; no matter what I'm going through, it's nothing compared to the issues of those folks. So let it go and keep the good news. Let God take his time focusing on those who are REALLY in need of his help and learn to help yourself just a little bit more.

Who'd have thought you could learn something from City Slickers and a Country radio show? I have my one thing and I'm taken care of. I'm going to keep smiling at people as I drive my car and hope it rubs off. I couldn't ask for more out of life.

Thanks Billy Crystal.

A Change In Life

I think maybe I'm just at a strange time in my life and have small feelings of pulling myself in twelve (or a thousand) different directions because I want to do everything and be everything for everyone, but even with so much craziness, I am so happy.

I started a contract job at the end of January and that's going so amazingly well. As I knew, of course, I'm just friggin' gifted as an employee. I pick things up at amazing speed, work well alone and with little supervision and have once again become a programming guru. I have people walking into my little space asking me questions and needing help several times a day since week two. That's an awesome feeling and I have missed that.

Of course, it was HARD to leave my baby - the baby who is now five and utterly independent in so many ways - but it's worked out really well. Not only that but I think it's turned out to be a GREAT thing for all of us. It's really given her a chance to experience her own sense of "I can do this all by myself without mommy hovering over me" and, of course, the "mommy doesn't have to be the one to do everything here."

My dad is our new nanny (aka manny or just Grandpa works too.) He's a fantastic dad, always has been and I still adore him. Used to drive my husband nuts when we were first married (okay, truth, for several or 6 years after we were married) because I had to question every decision we made and discuss it with my dad before I'd budge. Over the years, I've learned that I'm actually quite capable of making all those decisions myself and sometimes, I'm actually far better informed than my dad - so I grew up and became independent too. Now I don't listen to anyone and rarely even discuss things with my husband; I just research, decide, and take action all on my own and usually I tell my husband about it sometime after the fact.

My dad had a stroke several years ago and he and my mom (mainly my mom because my dad actually didn't have speech capabilities for a few weeks afterward) decided not to tell me so I wouldn't fly home from California and miss work. Ridiculous - I never missed work and rarely took vacations, I should have been told - my dad was still far more important than work and we were financially set as a DINK family (double-income, no kids.) He's never bothered changing his habits or diet to help prevent another stroke and that thought of what the future might hold is always in the back of my mind. So....it was kinda cool that my dad had just retired when this contract job came up. He was thinking about looking for something to do part-time and I needed someone. Perfect - my kid has a Grandpa nanny, ready to go! Someone who adores her and who I KNOW will keep her safe - as well as keeping up the routine and rules I've set up. So, Miss Fabulous and my dad have become Mutt & Jeff with their ridiculous games and my husband and I get kicked out of the house before we're actually ready to go. She wants her "alone time" with Grandpa. They're building memories and that's just cool. I couldn't be happier that she happens to be building memories with someone I adore.

I am a little sad at not being the all-day-every-day-go-to resource and having the full control and participation in the life of Miss Fabulous, but that's purely because I'm a selfish control freak. I'd like to work all night long while she sleeps and then have her to myself all day long, but...I have discovered over the years that I do need sleep, not a lot, but some. I missed out on Parent Watch Week at her dance classes. My husband and my dad got to go, I got to watch a video and see pictures from the camera. It wasn't the same and I didn't get to have the teary eyes as I saw it in person. That kinda sucked. I missed the Valentine's Day party at school too. Total bummer, I'm a popular mom/volunteer with the kids and I adore them too. My husband got to go to that and I got to hear a few stories from him afterward, but Miss Fabulous didn't want to take the time to chat me up with her version - she was "busy."

Now, there have already been several days when my dad couldn't make it to this nanny job. The first couple days were for a skin cancer surgery and the sore aftermath the day following. Then there was the stitch removal appointment we had to juggle for. And now, there's the dog aka my younger sister. Every dog they've ever had has been treated better than I was, but....I guess it taught me to adore dogs too. However, this overweight pooch (mine are NOT overweight - they eat right, are given specific quantities to maintain ideal weight, exercise, and go to the vet often) jumped off a couch and hurt her leg again....so, dog apparently can't be left alone in their house at all. The dog will have surgery soon and then my mom and her sisters will juggle the intense care for the dog (I'm not allowed to care for the dog in my house but that's another story.)

Hmmm....not really buying that one, went through surgery and cancer with my older dog and managed to handle it all just fine while taking care of a toddler and a puppy. But whatever, I get it, they love her and that's cool with me. However, I can't take off work - it's only a 3 month contract job. The husband's gotta handle it again...

Oh yeah, and guess what, these grandparents also decided they need to go to Las Vegas for a week and it has to be the end of March. So...I ask the husband to immediately call HIS mother to see if she might be able to swing the nanny job and stay with us for the week. Thankfully it's spring break so she won't have to know any details about school or dance classes or the taxi schedule. Thank GOD she said yes! Hopefully that'll take us through the end of April, end of job, and there will be nothing further to juggle.

If the scheduling issues weren't enough, there are the interesting and stressful situations it causes with my mom being involved. She's always in some varying degree of anger with me and has the paranoia thoughts that we're spending all of our time discussing her. Apparently it has never occurred to her that we're just too darned busy taking care of all the big and little details involving a house, a kid, two dogs, work, schedules, and life to really be bothered with her. Bothered BY her is a different story, lots of strangeness and stress pops up and my attempts at seclusion and self-isolation is often bothered by those issues. Oh well...

I think the whole experience is a nice "suck it up" experiment for the hubby. He's the main party thinking my going back to work would be a good thing. For the most part, it is....but, it's a nice true-to-life but shorter version of the many issues with child care and this is a grandparent, as dependable as it's gonna get. Plus, I think he initially had some dollar signs in his eyes and it's fantastic to think about paying things off and having excess money in the budget. However, child care ain't ever gonna be free and I decided that my dad has to be paid at least 65% of what I make. Totally fair I think - he's got mileage to get over here, mileage to taxi Miss Fabulous to her various interests, and he has to be here BEFORE I leave and can't leave until I get home - so he works longer! Whether my dad enjoys it or not, it's a job and that's what is right. So....the husband's final view on this juggle work remains to be heard, we'll see what he thinks in two more months. I'm torn, for now.

Then we having house-cleaning and laundry. I refuse to let laundry build up at my house, so daily, as it always has been, the laundry starts before I leave the house - but it's not done until just before the kidlet's bedtime. Nothing is put away during the day. The house can't get cleaned during the day either, because I'm not here. I can't pick up and clean as I go during the day and there is no way I'm living like a pig. So...everybody has got to pitch in and do some things if we want to have any weekend family time or actually leave the house over the weekend (we do have a big house so it takes some serious time.)

That's been a little rough on everyone and no, things are not all being done to my personal satisfaction, but....we're working into this one and I am attempting to not be quite as picky about it. The grocery shopping has to be done on weekends - I'm working, I can't go during the day several days a week when Miss Fabulous is occupied for her few hours at preschool. There are no trips running out late at night to pick up the forgotten items, and thus....the father of Miss Fabulous is starting to realize how lists have to be made and actually CORRECT.

Then there is the meal planning, cooking, getting ready for bed and getting Miss Fabulous to sleep on time. Now, with two men involved here, getting the kidlet to bed has become a huge issue. It's all about the hair really. Not many men can do a girl's hair or do a girl's hair WELL. So, that leaves me and if I have to do the hair...someone short has got to be up in time for me to do that hair...which means getting up and being dressed. Miss Fabulous is pretty particular about her hair...so she gets up. Any mom in the world can tell you how beastly a child without adequate sleep can become. Some dads take a little longer to learn this fact. Everyone is learning a lot about my organization and why I'm so rigid with schedules.

I miss my all day mommy role but I love being the office superstar. I miss having an office, despise living in a cube-farm, and think there are far too many folks out there who shouldn't be allowed access to speaker phones cuz they're lookin' like fools and haven't a clue. I am glad to finally have a little bit of help around the house and maybe just a little bit of realization and acknowledgement that my organization issues are a pretty nice perk of living in a household with me. I am delighted that some memories are being made and sad that other memories are being made. I love watching my daughter's relationship with her grandpa develop and seeing that bond, but I am sad that it's not always me there when she walks into a wall and cries.

There is no such thing as having it all and there is never going to be enough of anything you actually desire. I do believe that nothing has to suffer and the important parts of life can all still remain intact and benefits arise for everyone out of any experience. My experience though, is temporary. For all the little moments of sad selfishness I am having and the stressful situations created by my working, I know that my kid is actually having a blast and learning some things. I am in the front seat watching a wonderful bond being created.

So, even though I have to take the time to get UP to an alarm and showered before the buttcrack of dawn (which is still far later in the morning than any other job I've had!), I can drive to work with gorgeous sunshine, get a Starbucks, listen to amazing music on the way that has nothing to do with XM Kids, and do it all with a smile on my face and in my heart knowing that my kid is enjoying herself and learning something. It's all pretty delightful.

Oh yeah, and once this job is over....I've got a date with my family at Disneyland. And I paid for it all by myself.

Valentine's Day

I really dislike Valentine's Day. It's a commercialist, nonsensical waste of time that hurts some people, causes others to spend money senselessly, and leaves too many people hiding out for the day avoiding the questions as to why they are not with their "Valentine."

About a week before Valentine's Day this year, I listened to the radio on the way to work and heard a story on a morning show that made me cry like a country singer who's dog had been shot right after his pickup truck broke down. Some lady called in to tell about the hand-made gifts that her husband had given her over the years for Valentine's Day along with a card with a quarter in it. He apparently gave her quarter in cards for birthdays and other holidays too. She had no idea why he gave her quarters and she never asked, said it was just "his thing." But she had saved every gift, every card, and still had every quarter still in those envelopes. Then she shared that her husband had passed away last March and that this would be her first Valentine's Day without him. She didn't cry and wasn't asking for sympathy, just sharing and remembering him and the nice things he had done as well as his quirks. It was heart-wrenching to listen to but so sweet.

I happened to marry a guy who just isn't romantic and I'm actually okay with that. I'm not a touchy-feely person and maybe someday I'll share a little about why that is, but for now it's private (semi-private anyway - it's just not something I openly share.) My husband IS touchy-feely but not romantic. I don't like the holding hands or public displays of affection. I can count on one hand the number of times I've gotten flowers over the 20 years we've been together. That is actually fine - though they are beautiful and it's nice to get them, I still view them as a waste of money and annoying to look at because most of the time they're sent as an apology for something really bad. For me, those types of flower gifts are really just a reminder of whatever bad thing that happened. While I should see them for the beauty, I can't get that bad thing out of my head when I look at them and really I'd rather just kind of forget about it and move on. I do try to be appreciative and SHOW my appreciation but my thought process just takes it elsewhere.

He also doesn't involve himself in making plans for us to go out for dinner or movies. For the most part, we really don't go. Occassionally I might make the arrangements when I want to head out with friends. However, once you get the babysitter arranged, make reservations, prepare things for your kid, try to make yourself up to look like less of an exhausted mommy, and get ready to go someplace special for yourself...the effort just really kills the joy out of the night out just for a dinner and Buffalo Wild Wings with the whole family just starts to be the easier option. Heck yeah, I'd love to go out to a NICE dinner with real adult type food more often, but I don't have the energy to plan it. He doesn't seem to care one way or another and basicially, I'm a sure thing, so...

Going out on Valentine's Day is a nightmare. Babysitters are all booked months in advance, the good restaurants require reservations months in advance, and the crowds drive me insane. There is nothing positive to be said about waiting 30 minutes past your reservation time in a lobby with the doors opening and closing in freezing weather (I live in Colorado) while wearing a dress and having those drafts go right up it. I have issues with that and I admit that I am impatient. If I make a reservation for 7:30, I expect my butt to be in the seat at my table promptly at 7:30. So, with my lack of patience and a husband that matches the patience level and crowd displeasure, we gave up Valentine's Day meals years before we even had Miss Fabulous.

Then there's the chocolate silliness. Who in the world needs a 2 pound box of chocolates? I work hard to keep my backside in the same size clothing and avoid the flab overhang around the middle. I personally don't want the temptation of those chocolates sitting around in my house and my chocoholic husband really needs to steer clear of those as well. Usually I can withstand the temptation, I'm not a big chocolate eater, BUT the last thing I need is to have a hormonal or stress craving hit me when there's that type of volume of chocolate in the house. Then there are the folks of the world who delight at getting that chocolate box, devouring it in one sitting, and then have the nerve to complain about the 10 pounds they put on after a holiday. That's called "shut up" in my world of private speech.

The commercialism surrounding this so-called holiday is ridiculous. Every guy thinks he has to buy his wife or girlfriend a gift - or she'll think he doesn't care, doesn't love her, doesn't think about her....blah, blah, blah. Clearly, the holiday isn't going anywhere because we ridiculous women will demand that it remain so our men can show us how much they love us through flowers and chocolate. People who can't AFFORD just their bills and have their credit cards maxed out will spend another $30 that they don't have to get a gift.

Then there are the women who tell their husbands NOT to get them anything, in fact, demand that they prefer it. However, come Valentine's Day, those same women will be the ones ticked off at their husbands for NOT getting them anything. I lived with one of those types, it was a living nightmare. It's insane, the men can't win and really, neither do the women. Not the present ones or the ones who might come later because we, as women, have spent our time confusing these men to the point that they have no clue what the right thing to do might be.

Single friends...poor folks have to hide out for the day because they don't have a "Valentine" and there will always be some dumbass who has got to take the time to ask them why they aren't with their Valentine on this tremendously special day. Talk about a slap in the face to a single woman or man who just has gone through a divorce or just hasn't met the right person, yeah, they need that fake smirk and sympathy - and it's likely a WOMAN who gives it out. And let's not forget those who are newly into a relationship and have to go through the pressure of whether to get or not get a Valentine gift. Would it be too forward? If he doesn't I'll never continue this relationship! OR If he doesn't I'll continue this relationship but I'll never let him/her live it down for the rest of my life.

Now, I'm all for thoughtful gifts, just not on Valentine's Day. For me, if you must, a card with something handwritten and thoughtful in it. Keep the rest of the junk for Miss Fabulous as this appears to be a big thing for the little ones once they start school. Sad way to start life and will likely lead to some broken hearts, but I'll keep my mouth shut and I will, of course, buy my daughter some silly gift from me. However, the REST of the year is when I'd rather be SHOWN that my significant other cares for me.

Over the past month, I've talked to a number of friends who are husbands and wives and gotten a little feedback on how they'd like to be shown care, respect, and love. Some knew what why I was asking the question and some didn't; however, the owner of the responses are all going to remain anonymous. Some are from me, some are not. It really doesn't matter, the only way to figure out what YOUR significant other's preferences are is communication - and use your ears, please! LISTEN and TELL THE TRUTH! However, if you have the type of spouse that says "no gift" - it's optional, do what you want - you're probably going to be in trouble no matter what you do.

When your spouse is cleaning, don't stand there and just watch them do it. It's kinda rude. If you "help" with the cleaning, don't act as if it's some sort of gift to the other person - that's just a chore that must be done; it's not a gift. If you happen to drop a little dab of pee on the floor in the bathroom, for goodness sake - take the time to wipe it up yourself before your spouse or kid steps in it!!! If your kid is messy and you see them making the mess - you can clean it up too, don't wait for your spouse to notice it and have to stop something else to do it.

Withholding the sex until the significant other accomplishes some task you've assigned is just plain ridiculous and this is a female thing. If your spouse has cheated on you or you have relationship issues or female issues, that's quite another story. Women DO have to be comfortable in a relationship to give that up. However, making your husband beg for sex or clean the garage for sex or until you have a nicer house - that's just ridiculous and apparently these ladies haven't yet realized that they're hurting themselves too. Sex is a good thing and a natural part of a relationship. Ladies, what you haven't realized yet is that the female body doesn't work like a man's. The less you have it, the less you want it - you're killing your own libido. Use it or lose it! That's totally true - ASK your gynocologist if you don't believe me. There are a number of gadgets available to help you out with this if you aren't aware and if you're too timid to go into a sex store to get them yourself, order them online and have them delivered. But really, if you're adult enough to have had it once, shouldn't you get over the giggles about picking out a rabbit or some other double A battery operated apparatus??? And certainly, if you're MY age or just a mom or living with someone....we all KNOW you've done it.

I will admit that I am extremely annoyed this Valentine's Day. Part of the reason is that I GOT flowers....so, you know. Of course, I could get over the flowers thing and ignore it and keep my mouth BUT - don't you hate that word??? BUT, I have spoken with more than 15 - yup, FIFTEEN! - people this weekend who were unhappy with their Valentine gifts, mad that they didn't GET a Valentine gift, ticked off that their spouse didn't take care of babysitter arrangements or dining reservations, or were planning on holding out on their spouse due to one or more reasons above. Then there were the folks on diets who received their HUGE amounts of chocolate - ever think of communicating to your spouse that you really can't handle the sweets and what your goals are? I'm just so tired of listening to people sabbotage themselves and their relationships and torture their spouses.

In a perfect world, or rather MY perfect world, everyone would be quiet on Valentine's Day and we'd all choose to just have another day like Thanksgiving. Spending time together and just appreciating - with no gifts, no pressure, nothing open, and no commercials.

I hope that wonderful lady on the radio didn't have a bad day today. I hope she took the time to go through her cards, look at her years of gifts from him, and remember the husband she loved. I hope her friends and family called her to tell her they love her and were thinking about her. I hope she counted her quarters and there's enough for a wonderful trip or something special she really wants.

One thing is for sure, gifts should never be expected, they are to be appreciated and bedroom activities with someone you've commited a sacrament with should be a win-win situation and a sure thing. I hope the people I've talked to this weekend and the ones I didn't figure this out. I hope there are hundreds of amazingly happy friends who I didn't talk to.

In the meantime, I really hope there are some carbs in my pantry. Despite the flowers, I'm ready to go have some time with my husband.

I'm Gonna Go Potty at Work!

I've taken a job. Outside of my home - as of Monday, I'm not just a mommy anymore. It's all happened so fast and I wasn't actually looking and never applied for this job. It landed in my lap. One day late last week, I got an email asking me whether I might be interested in employment - I thought it was a scam. With too much time on my hands and a separate email account specifically for playing with scammers and spammers, I sent back a note that I might be interested and wanted more information. Amazingly, this email turned out to be REAL and for a position with a wonderful company. Not ultimately what I want to be doing, but....a great company and great pay. Where on earth did they find me?

Turns out, a million years ago in my former life as a workaholic, I posted my resume on Monster. That used to be the go to site for seeking employment. I never ended up using it and instead found my last position simply advertised in the newspaper in California, knew some people with connections, had fantastic references, and BAM! landed an ace in the hole!

About a year ago, I received an email from Monster and remembered that my information was on there. Well, because I'd been pondering whether I wanted to go back to work or not, I updated my information. I live in a new state since that time and had over 8 years of information missing. Then never thought about it again. I'm too busy being mommy and playing with scammers who want me to take money to Western Union (which I keep taking and taking and somehow the orders get lost or something.)

Over the past year, I have applied to a few jobs, been called for interviews, and been offered most of the positions. I've turned them down for various reasons, some ridiculous. I turned down one because I didn't like the office - poor taste in decorating and snob that I am, I don't want to be holed up in an ugly office all day long! Plus two of the ladies in the office that I'd have to manage were chit-chatting while I was waiting and they annoyed me to exhaustion with their nasty eating habits and immature banter for just those 15 minutes. Their lip-smacking made me want to kick them right in their huge behinds and lecture them about proper etiquette in a front-office environment.

Another I applied for, went to four interviews with, and then I turned down an offer because they didn't want to pay me what I wanted. Yeah, I probably should have known, they were non-profit. Then there was the offer for a job close by my home, nice salary, easy conditions guaranteed so I could do my mommy tasks and I turned it down because the owner couldn't guarantee me that I would be challenged. I think he was dumbfounded that I'd turn down an easy job. Boring!!!! Plus the guy looked like a greasy used-car salesman with a comb-over - ick! There is NO WAY I could stand having to look at that guy every day! I'm not leaving my kid for boring, ugly, or cheap.

The reasons for the other offers not taken were mainly about me not being quite sure that I actually wanted to work. I didn't tell them that, but that's really what it was about. I must say that I do actually enjoy the interview process though. Manipulating a situation and leaving a potential employer with them desperate to have YOU take the position is so hugely rewarding - I love a win!!! Whether I want the job or not, I want a win - it's just a nice ego-boost and leaves you feeling like you're on fire for weeks!

Sixteen years ago, I wouldn't have thought twice about taking a job while being a mom. Never known any different, my parents both worked and I went to daycare. But over the years, my thought process changed and as maturity hit and I became increasingly conservative, I couldn't imagine leaving a child with a babysitter while working. I supervised so many women who told me of their childcare nightmares and issues. Some even lost their jobs because of it. To keep my position as a top-performer and to maintain my reputation, I couldn't be put in the position of dealing with childcare issues. Not only that but, no one in the world could possibly take care of my kid the way I do. Too many stupid people in the world!

Now, Miss Fabulous is a pretty special kid - as all children are. However, there are some extremes about this kid's behavior that most people just don't understand. She's a perfectionist and she's overly competitive, among many other issues. I hear the comments all the time from moms about their kid being a drama queen and lemme tell ya, they just make me laugh in my head and trust me, I'm rolling my eyes at them too. They don't understand drama until they see Miss Fabulous in action having some particular issue. Even her teachers have mentioned it. At a previous preschool, I was called to come get her early because they couldn't calm her down and they didn't know what to do. You'd THINK adults who work with kids all day long and having done it for years could figure it out. Nope...a 3 year old was too much for them.

I was even questioned by the Director as to what might be happening at home. I laughed at her and told her that perhaps they might think about getting some training on childhood behaviors as well as speak to an expert on special education in all forms. Turns out that school really just stunk, no training whatsoever. In one "report card," I was instructed that my child wasn't doing something proper in respect to handling a pencil. I had to bring in current literature from an OT to show them that the methods they were using were outdated by approximately 15 years and no longer approved or recommended. Sure a group of moms can take care of kids and help them turn toilet paper rolls into butterflies every day but that doesn't qualify them to be a school. But they had horses to ride and other animals, so it was apparently cool. Not to me!

I'm a perfectionist too, I get it. I'm also a picky eater, I get it. I work with it and know what to expect and how to head off issues. My mother-in-law gets it, she's seen the meltdowns that can occur if things don't happen as they are meant to be. My dad gets it and he understands what happens as well. My husband also gets it - most of the time, when he's thinking clearly. If his head is elsewhere, well, we can have a tough day dealing with drama. Once it starts, it usually continues throughout the day.

As I sit here silently panicking about upcoming changes in my life, my mind keeps wandering to the many possibilities of disaster than could erupt. Everything is bigger in my head...and continues to grow exponentially.

My dad is now retired and will be taking over as our nanny, so to speak. He will take care of breakfast, morning playtime, lunch, and getting Miss Fabulous off to school and dance classes. I will be home just after that for dinner and evening playtime, as well as the typical bedtime stuff. As it is now, morning playtime is usually independent play as that is when I take a shower and do a bit of cleaning. So, I really don't miss anything other than being in the same location and little conversations with my daughter.

Now when Miss Fabulous was 1, I wouldn't even have considered leaving, nor would I went she was 2 or 3. At 4 and as the activities started to increase, I started to think about it a little but still wasn't quite certain. So many horrid things can happen in daycare and so many horrid daycare workers exist. The same horrid individuals can exist in preschools and schools, as I also came to witness over the years. There are simply some people I just don't desire for my kid to be around - and I'm not even touching on the ones who deserve to go to jail or worse. Just yucky people with no taste, class, or education.

I'm well aware that I'm freaking out without great reason, but I can't keep myself from doing it. My dad and Miss Fabulous can handle this. Sure there will be issues because he won't do something the same way I do or because he's a male and just doesn't get some girlie idea she comes up with. It's all happened so fast and it's really just shocking, there hasn't been time to think everything through (except really late at night when I'm not sleeping and have a stomach ache from imagining that my little girl might go to school having not eaten enough and without her hair fixed nicely.)

In all honesty, I think it's a nice transition for Miss Fabulous to gain greater independence from me and confidence in herself as she enters a full day school next year. It's also an opportunity for her and my dad to build some memories, which is something that is really important to me. My dad is the best and while we have this chance, I'd like her to have a special connection with him, as I do. But still...what if he doesn't get her dance tights on her just right, remember to have her use the restroom before class, or she doesn't have the required ponytail when she shows up? All the teachers have my email and cell phone number so I can obtain reports as to how wrong things are being done, but I do love my dad.

Have I actually mentioned that this job is only for three months? Yup, I'm near prozac for a three month position. That's the entire reason that I did take the job. It's a good company, potential future, a current reference, great pay, and a test for me to see if mommy is ready to go back to work or not.

I'm going to breathe deeply, hope I don't pass out from it, and put together some instructional materials so my dad knows that at 11:05 a.m. Miss Fabulous must be sitting at the table taking her first bite so she can finish by 11:35 a.m. and have time for shoes and socks and grabbing the snack before heading out the door at 11:42 a.m. Ah yes, my schedule...he'll need it.

So on Monday, I'm going to try not to cry at work and will try to resist the urge to call the house more than once during the day. But above all, I'm desperately going to do everything in my power to remember not to tell anyone that "I have to go to the potty" or wipe anything from anyone else's face. Wish me luck!

The Perfect Egg

Control. I am absolutely a control freak. I like to have control and organization to everything. Of course, that's where everyone likes to begin the teasing about me being OCD. That's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for anyone who isn't aware. So, honestly, never been diagnosed as that but, absolutely, I have the tendencies. I just like things the way I like 'em and that's the way it's gonna be. Period.

However, when it comes to my life, I actually have about zero control. I clean, clean, clean to control my environment and I obsess about how clean it actually is or isn't - in my own eyes. But, all I have to do is stop for 10 minutes and I lose every bit of that control - two dogs, one kidlet, and a husband can mess things up faster than I can run into the room. Granted, I'm not fast but those small things that take 15 minutes to do turn into hours of cleaning for me.

Last year after discovering that my husband was once again hoarding our bills and personal documents, I took back control and organized everything into beautiful new file folders and purchased brand new filing cabinets for everything. It took me two months to sort through the mess that he had created, but I got it done and it was such a relief. I was so proud of myself. I had every piece of paper in our house organized so nicely and thought he was following along with my system after he paid the bills.

Well, Kindergarten registration comes along on my calendar and I run down to the filing cabinets to pull out the one document I still needed to take with me. Miss Fabulous' birth certificate. Easy enough, I run down to get it out of her nicely labeled file folder and....it's not there.

Of course, I'm frantic - that is NOT something to be misplaced! Not only that but there's a huge pile of filing to be done sitting on TOP of the filing cabinets. The husband is in Guam and my mother-in-law is visiting so I have to wait until after 11pm my time to speak with him (aka growl at him.) He suggested that maybe he put it in the file marked "personal" instead of her file. Okay, well, MIL is sleeping by that time and I can't check until the morning. You've got to know that I'm screaming inside my head but trying desperately to stay calm. I did not get to sleep easily with this on my brain.

I waited patiently for everyone to be awake and the minute I saw my MIL peak her head out, ran down the stairs to rifle through the cabs. The file marked "personal" is NOT in the cabinet. Where the hell is this birth certificate? I'm furious by this time and it's 1am in Guam and my MIL is right there, can't say anything, that's her son. Tick, tick, tick...messing with my files, not cool. My brain and stomach are ticking away all morning, I am so irritated but trying to be a nice hostess and mommy while my brain is starting to move in circles due to the agony of something not being right! I get ready and go over to register without my required paperwork and my daughter stays with her grandma. I felt like a complete failure.

On the drive over, I dial the husband's number on the cell phone and the minute I hear his voice I explode at him about this. Really partly his fault, it's 3am and his cell phone should have been turned off - not my problem. The message would have been much calmer. I walked into the school building with a fake smile and pretended to be the nice mom. The very wonderful registration lady was nice to me about the missing paperwork and told me to just bring it as soon as I can. Two days later the husband returns from his two weeks in Guam and after endless searching finally locates the birth certificate - filed under Property Taxes. I'm irritated beyond belief, but at least it's been located. So there ya go, all that work and I have no control of the files & paper & documents - yet again.

I don't have a job other than being mommy and I operate at the whim of Miss Fabulous, there's no control to a kid. She is her own person, a complete extravert. Because five year olds don't have the financial backing, I also don't get a check and have no income. The money all has to come from the husband. Currently he pays the bills (sometimes he even remembers and does it on time - have I mentioned how laid back the guy is???) but I have no idea when he pays them or what the online passwords are for any of our accounts - I'm only legally responsible for them. (Yes, ladies, I totally know this is dumb and it's not a choice that I've made, I'm working on it - enough said.) I swear this is coming to the point of giving me an ulcer or maybe it's just a mock ulcer or maybe it's just because I have egg issues and have been eating nothing but eggs.

Eggs. That leads me to the one single thing in my life that I actually do have control of. No! Not Eggs - you weren't really thinking that, were you? That'd be ridiculous!

My weight. After I went through the pregnancy and horrid delivery process of Miss Fabulous, I could not for the life of me get that extra weight off. I stopped eating for the most part, nearly killed a treadmill, and intentionally never sat for more than 10 minutes during the day. Well, I finally found a diet plan, did ridiculous research on nutrition (OCD, remember??? - regular folks have no idea what serious research is), and not only did I lose that stupid 20 pounds I wanted to lose, but my husband lost about 80.

He actually needed to due to sleep apnea issues and his desire not to carry an oxygen machine around with him on his various plane travels to the armpits of the world. He also was able to eliminate his need for cholesterol meds. Controlling your weight and eating healthy is a pretty cool thing once you get the tricks to make it happen.

So, I lost that 20 lbs and then I went further. I lost 25. Now it felt pretty darn cool to be 35 (at the time) and weigh less than I did in high school, and I was a great weight in high school. I LIKED the feeling so much! I was so much more energetic and I loved loved loved loved everything about trying on a Size 4 and having it be too big and having to go down yet another size. So now, I've been a two for nearly 2 years. I have heard the stupid comments about anorexia and people telling me I'm too thin and need to eat. I actually eat more than I ever have in my life. I also KNOW more about what I put into my body and how it will affect me. I know that my body really doesn't agree with carbs, if I eat them, I can count on 2 pounds gain in one day. NOT a good feeling for a control freak. I can eat ice cream and marshmallows and lose weight.

However, I don't yet feel perfect and I can see a few areas where I still need to improve the body. So, here come the eggs. It seems that eggs don't like me too much anymore, even though I adore them. Just after high school I gave myself salmonella poisoning (a fun trip to the emergency room confirmed this) from overindulging on eggs cooked over-easy in the microwave. Turns out you've gotta be careful with that. Who knew???

I seem to have developed a new allergy to eggs in the past six months. My stomach hurts so badly when I have eggs, but....they're low cal and fantastic protein and the benefits and temporary enjoyment currently overweighs the pain. I gave them up for about 4 months but I'm back, we just love each other until it hurts.

One friend said "if you hit your head on a wall, it hurts, so stop hitting your head on a wall." Yeah, but....I like eggs. I mean, I really like them! YUM!!!! I'm allergic to dust too, I don't avoid housework because of it, I work on cleaning and keeping it to a minimum and have a few hives at the end of the day from it. That's life, you take the good with the bad. It's not a severe life or death thing and if it helps me reach my goals and have a little control in my little world - I'm going to do it. In my OCD vision, there is only that issue of control and the new goal is either a size zero or to be able to look in the mirror and not see one speck of cellulite on my butt.

That's my life, I can only control this one little thing about it. So the incredible, edible egg and I are going to love each other until it hurts but I'm totally in control. There are actually those control top nylons that come in the egg shaped container - I wonder if that's a metaphor for my life or a symbol that's there to give me a subliminal message that I just haven't picked up on. For now, this is my life and we'll see where it goes from here.

Shut up Carl & Lisa - it's WHITE

Recently there was a day on Facebook with a private message that went around asking ladies to change our status to just the color of our bra, apparently it's still floating. The purpose was noted as to raise awareness for breast cancer. Secondly, we were asked to "not tell the boys" and see how long it takes for them to catch on.

I didn't have a problem with playing along, I went ahead and changed my status. Light pink. Normally it'd be white, because I'm just that basic kinda gal. Plain, plain, plain, and comfy. Sorry, but I've been married for 18 years and I'm busy chasing Miss Fabulous and two giant poodle puppies, I don't have time for anything extraordinary in that department. It's all about fast & easy for me. My husband doesn't much care either; we both appreciate comfort.

Now I was shocked to see an article from a "journalist" noting that this Facebook activity had caused "outrage." Huh??? Journalist Carl further noted "Broadcasting the color of your bra to your friends and colleagues is not typical or even acceptable behavior for most women, yet that's precisely what thousands of female Facebook users were doing this week..." The color of my bra or my girlfriend's bra is not acceptable? Dude! Gimme a break, no one exposed anything or flashed anything. There's never going to be a problem with women or men on Facebook being playful. We're not all on Facebook to be professional and build our business; we just want to be able to quickly chat with our friends and have some fun.

I'm guessing Journalist Carl must be one of those guys who really doesn't like women breastfeeding in public. I didn't care to BE one of those women but God happened to give me a kid who tore blankets, etc. off me when I tried to do it "incognito." People seeing my bra, or the color of it, was the last thing I cared about. I simply just wasn't interested in sharing the site of my boob. For TWO years! I couldn't wean the kid and boy did I try because I was just plain uncomfortable when we went out somewhere!

Some chick named Lisa was quoted as saying "I'm vomitously sick of a serious illness like breast cancer being reduced to twee pink ribbons and strollathons." Lisa urged a boycott of the activity. Come on Lisa, gimme a damn break - the color of a bra makes you "vomitously sick?" Nobody reduced the seriousness of illness - least of all by posting a color! If that makes you "vomitously sick," you should just come right out and die when you hear about a man, women, or child suffering from any disease, right? So, Lisa, you really should be dead because I see an awful lot of suffering and I actually try to avoid news and videos about any such thing. I have to wonder about the last time Lisa pushed a stroller, if ever. I wonder if Lisa could push that stroller off road for 10 miles; I can. That's an accomplishment under any circumstance and I have the cadillac of strollers. Wanna come see the REAL world Lisa? Let me show you what a real mom does every day; I'm saying YOU can't cut it girlfriend!

Are we still, seriously, not allowed to talk about boobs or anything that contains boobs? I'm so sorry, but I've been married 18 years and had a child and breastfed said child. Anyone who has gone through just that, the mom OR the dad, is a little over the boob giggles. Maybe Journalist Carl didn't date enough and is still after his first feel up. Is that why this was a story?

Why do people have to complain about EVERYTHING??? Journalist Carl - was there seriously not any other issue in the whole world that you could write about? It really had to be about a day with colors in a Facebook status. I just don't get this. The guy didn't even attempt to educate people in any way. If he was so concerned that there was no education in this little post fun, why did HE never put any links about breast cancer in this article. It was no big deal, none of my friends expressed any outrage, and actually the "boys" played along with us. So here we are talking about breast cancer - doesn't that mean it was successful?

I was delighted tonight when another friend found an article on Fox News that was POSITIVE. There's even a cool quote: "Andrea Rader, a spokeswoman for the Susan G. Komen for the Cure foundation, said the group was not behind the campaign but called it 'a terrific tool for raising awareness.'" It's not even a long article, just a simple mention - that's it! Can you imagine? Someone didn't make it a big deal. Will we be able to sleep at night?

For some of my friends, their status was posted in honor of friends who have breast cancer or have died from it. The negative journalism was another slap in the face for the people who participated to have a little fun for the sake of their friends. Doesn't sound to me like Carl or Lisa have had to go through first-hand watching a friend suffer from any disease. Good for them, but no need to attack others by becoming a drama queen and becoming vomitously sick in front of us due to your outrage from something you didn't participate in. Get over yourselves!

As for me, I've been told by my gyno to go get my baseline mammogram. That was a little over a year ago, I haven't gotten around to it yet. I think I'll do it this year, and I think that on the day I do it, I'll go ahead and post the color of my bra - just to tick people like Lisa and Carl off. If they say anything negative again, I'll start some real trouble and send a private message telling people to post the color of their vibrators or the one they want along with the favorite function.

In the meantime, white!