Little Girls

As a mother, I am now able to enjoy watching my daughter as a "little girl." Gone are the baby days with many naps I could share in and the cute baby sounds. Gone are the toddler days when they did everything you told them to and looked at you in awe half the day. Now I clearly have a little girl. My girl is a girly girl; over the top.

This past weekend we made a trip to the mall. I had to go get cleanser and wanted to do it before Black Friday, as for me, that is no day to be anywhere NEAR a shopping locale. Prior to entering the mall, we had a very clear conversation that there were to be no trips to the jewelers this time. Miss Fabulous has a jewel obsession and though we don't often go to the mall, the ladies who work at the jewelers already recognize her, a few know her name. This kid has tried on jewelry more expensive than my car with the assistance of these ladies; I am astounded each time that they continue to allow this and also to encourage it despite my polite protests. However, for this trip, we have reached an understanding and Miss Fabulous has made a promise to me that we will avoid jewelers.

First stop, Sephora, that's where we had to go for my cleanser. I was a little shocked but my daughter knows her way around that store and made a b-line straight for the glitter eyeliner she adores. That's all good, as I planned to grab some of the pink glitter eyeliner for her for Christmas since she's been talking about it for weeks now. When I allowed her to get some for her birthday, they were out of pink and we had to get purple, bummer. So I apply the sample of pink glitter eyeliner to Miss Fabulous, slip a new bottle to the husband to hold until we check-out, and girly girl takes off - to the sparkly eye shadows. The shimmeriest color is a deep purple, so on goes the sample of sparkly purple eye shadow. Of course, now it's time for Miss Fabulous to get a look at herself in the mirror, and she's in luck, this store is FULL of mirrors. She loves mirrors.

Thankfully she then allows me to take the time to grab my cleanser before starting to fret that she is not wearing lipstick yet. So the husband takes the concealed pink glitter eyeliner and cleanser to the counter to pay while Miss Fabulous and I begin to investigate lipsticks to find the right color, which we all know is going to be PINK. After we find a wonderful Barbie pink color and apply the sample, Miss Fabulous realizes that there are lip glosses with glitter in them and the search begins again. We did find a really wonderful pink glittery gloss to use as a "topcoat" before she realized that we'd still not applied blush. Once we had found a sparkly pink blush color, the husband approached to let us know that he's completed the purchase. Upon his approach, Miss Fabulous yells at him to NOT look at her and instructs that he must turn around immediately. I guess even girls at 5 don't want to let anyone see them without their make-up on. I get that. So sparkly pink blush is applied and blended and we are ready to head out of the store when to our wandering eyes appears a Sephora sales lady. Yeah, we're not making it out of the store.

Miss Fabulous immediately engages in a discussion with sales lady about make-up. I must say the Sephora staff is great with these little girly girls. Miss Fabulous oozes charm to the sales lady and leaves with a ridiculously sincere "I love make-up," as if she's died and gone to heaven. The job at the mall has been accomplished but we decide to walk around to kill a little more time and energy and we are in luck! Santa has arrived at the mall!

So, we hadn't actually intended on taking pics with Santa on this day but there was no line and Miss Fabulous was pretty excited about it. Apparently the new version of visiting with Santa involves a required purchase of a photo. The minimum was a package which included two sheets for $19.99. I should also note that a sheet size is now only a 5x7, no idea where the 8x10's went. Fine, we'll go for 4 of the 3 1/2 x 5 size so we can give copies to the grandparents, and let's face it, the kid is covered in dark make-up and wearing a ridiculously glimmery get-up with no hint of Christmas. My deepest condolences to the children of parents who don't have the $19.99 plus tax for their kids to have a quick visit with Santa, I think this is just sad and ridiculous.

Miss Fabulous adores having her picture taken; the photographer is in for a treat. She immediately begins the modeling session upon her view of the camera. Santa isn't quite sure what to do but with instruction from the photographer he goes with it. Once Miss Fabulous has been convinced by a GROUP of us that the pictures are done and are very good, the visit with Santa begins. She tells Santa about the Polly Pocket Rollercoaster, find the animal game, and the Barbie Wash-up Pup but then more emphatically goes on to tell Santa that what she would super-duper really love is a make-up set and the glittery gold nail polish from Sephora that is the most beautiful thing she's ever seen. Of course, now I'm bickering to myself - I already did the shopping and we just got done in Sephora, there's no way we can go back today and not blow it. I'm going to have to shop at the mall in December even after all that planning. Ugh!!!!! Why could she not have mentioned this just 20 minutes prior? Fine, I'll shop later.

Miss Fabulous is getting restless as the pictures are being purchased, so she and I run into Bath & Body to smell lotions and provide a distraction. She likes the Very Merry Cranberry one so much that she glops a sample onto her hands that is MUCH too large for her, so it ends up on my hands, and my coat, and my shirt, and my shoe before I rush her out of the store hoping that her father has completed the purchase and will be waiting. Uh oh....daddy is nowhere to be found and someone has to go potty. So, we wait, and wander around the little area by Santa (where there is no potty), and we wait, and wait, and wait (and complain, and complain, and complain.) Turns out Daddy hadn't listened and decided to take off to the top level of the mall and look for us there. Grrrr.....we're not even going into this. Finally we hook-up, I start moving some of the lotion from my hands onto any skin Daddy has visible as we walk toward the restrooms.

We have another little thing going on in our house currently. It's called Frequent Urination Syndrome and it sometimes hits kids at 4 or 5 years old. Apparently there is nothing wrong with Miss Fabulous, she just has to go, and go often; part of a growth thing as our pediatrician indicated and it will eventually go away. Not soon enough if you ask me. It's just extremely annoying to find a restroom every 15-20 minutes and I grossly detest public restrooms. I've already escorted the girly girl into the restroom twice since we entered the mall, so it's now Daddy's turn. Miss Fabulous exits with complete and loud banter about how some people are just PIGS! Lol...yup, I've said that a time or two, and she repeated. Daddy's under-his-breath comments then start up about "I see you've been to a few public restrooms with Mommy." Our days for Daddy to assist in restroom trips are numbered; apparently Miss Fabulous also had a few questions for Daddy LOUDLY IN THE RESTROOM as to why he has to "hold it?"

The husband has now entered his "I'm humiliated and tired of the mall" phase. We can't leave though; we have a mission to look for a Christmas dress for the Holiday dance recital. So we begin looking into every children's shop and are having no luck whatsoever - nothing is glittery, sparkly, or flashy enough. However, there is a nice sale at a shop with some wonderful pink glitter clothes and jeans with jewels on them. She does need a few new pairs of pants as she is apparently going through a growth spurt again and the current pants are moving in the way of capri style. To my surprise, she elects to pick several pair of the most sparkly items we can find and would like to try them on "in the dressing room." She's never tried anything on in a dressing room, so I'm surprised but I do oblige to ensure that these flashy clothes will fit.

What happens next in the dressing room nearly blows my mind. Miss Fabulous begins to question the FIT, moveability, and stitching in every item we've brought in. Then she begins a running banter of "this one in a bigger size, this tag says 5, see? I think I prefer a 6 and I also need a lighter pink shirt to try with these jeans, the pink does not match. This one is too dark." She did do it politely and I did go along with it because of her good attitude but I was in shock. She's never had an opinion before. She's always just worn what I picked for her. Where does this come from? It's been over a year since I took her in with me to try anything on and have never expressed such opinions when she's been present. Most exhausting shopping trip I've ever had and another trip to the potty.

Tonight we received notice in the mail that Miss Fabulous has been named Dancer of the Week at her studio. Of course, we were very proud and happy for her! Your attitude and work have to be very good (age appropiately, of course!) to get an award. Miss Fabulous got very excited and then disappeared. No worries, I was making dinner so I focused on that. Upon her return, she had dressed in a princess gown (the most formal she had), heels, bright red lipstick, and a tiara. It was apparently such a special occassion that she decided to dress for dinner. Okaaaaaaay, we went with it.

I need to note that for the past few days, Miss Fabulous has been talking about marriage. (She has never been to a wedding.) She has wanted to know about my age when I got married (I lied without hesitation and immediately forbid her to even think about getting married before age 30) and about our ball. (We met and got married in a very small town - I don't think there's ever been a ball held there, so my husband and I both disolved into hysterics at that question.) Conversation at dinner turned into Miss Fabulous marrying one of our dogs. Once we had reached the understanding that we can't actually marry a dog, Miss Fabulous proposed to her Daddy. We still have to find that Holiday dance recital dress; I might let them have each other.

Thanksgiving

It's not often that we take the time to think about all we have to be thankful for. However, Facebook (my guilty addiction) has this challenge going around to post something you're thankful for every day until Thanksgiving. Yeah, yeah, yeah - sounds a little corny but now that I've been doing it, I'm so happy that I have to take the time to think about this. Not only do I think about it before I post, but so many times throughout the day, I think about the little things that make my life extraordinarily amazing. I must say that it's quite rewarding and refreshing.

This past year, in particular, has been an incredible rollercoaster with some horrid and heartwrecking experiences. Our lives have been torn and so many tears have been shed. The ability to reflect and realize what my life is, what the challenges resulted in building, makes me want to hug the world and sometimes just gag. While the status post on Facebook is fantastic, I thought it might be nice to reflect on the rewards more fully.

My friends - I can't thank my friends enough. Without friends, life would have no meaning or purpose. Somehow, just when you need it, a friend comes into your life and helps you to more fully understand the challenges you are facing, bring a smile to your face, or joy to your heart. One phone call or one email can set your mind free or help you to release an unnecessary frustration that you're holding on to. I am often amazed at the connection and how often, just when you need it, the right friend suddenly appears. I wonder sometimes why I feel a pull to contact someone I haven't spoken to in months or years, only to find that this particular friend is struggling and in need of a shoulder to cry on or sounding board. That miracle of chance is inspiring and I know at that moment how gifted and blessed we are. Thank you to all my friends, past and present, you are an absolute blessing and I treasure our time.

Grade school friends, I am thankful for the social development they gave me and the memories. One silly conversation can take you back to 4th grade and inspire all the feelings of being that age, as well as the realization of what our children are going through. I will always remember playing with Barbies, fashion ideas & discussions, reading the Judy Blume books and discussing the "dirty parts" in depth, crushes, music, movie stars who were hot (thankfully we now realize they are YUCK!), hide and seek, ghost stories, make-up, bras, introduction to gossip, fights, making-up, sleepovers and let's go ahead and admit it - playing girlfriend/boyfriend. All part of growing up! Whether we admit to it or not...we did it. Shhhhhhh, it'll just be our little secret - except for anyone who reads this! We really did learn so much from each other and we really did laugh a lot. I'm so thankful that I had all of you to get through the days with and to learn from. Though we rarely see each other and some only via email or Facebook, it's a continued delight to see your lives, your families, and your happiness as well as frustrations. Life just wouldn't be the same without the hysterics of some of those memories. The true reward is seeing everyone grown up, responsible, and the adoration of their children.

Friends I've never met. What a strange concept to imagine! I have a group of friends I have connected with online over the years. Today's technology has allowed friendships to cover great distances and for complete strangers to develop an intense connection. Certainly, I would strongly advise people to be cautious in forming friendships with strangers; there are wackos out there! (Be careful of adult Wiggles fans!) However, this particular group of amazing and genuine ladies have enriched my life beyond imagination. We have shared our lives, our children, our dreams and desires, and a lot of ridiculous stories. That connection is a blessing.

Facebook. I'd be so much more productive without it; however, I am delighted with this tool of distraction. As a stay-at-home mother, I appreciate being able to escape my reality to chat with adult friends, read stories, or to gather ideas and information. I am in love with Facebook and honestly thankful for it, as there is never a day that doesn't deliver a laugh or some form of inspiration or assistance to enrich my life. The most amazing posts come out of nowhere and help me to realize where my focus ought to be or what I want out of life.

My mother-in-law. I love that woman. She is a true friend and I'm fully aware that not many people can say this honestly. Sure, I'm thankful that she's the mother to my husband, but she's so much more than that. I can't say that we have a mother/daughter relationship. We have more of a female to female relationship which also morphs into a mother to mother as needed; however, never really a mother to daughter - that just seems odd. We discuss husbands, friends, concerns, politics, and parents. Strangely we've both been challenged with very similar ordeals in our lives that coincide. I love that we can chat for hours and never even mention Miss Fabulous or her son. She does happen to be the best grandmother in the world and the only individual I completely trust with my daughter; which is yet another blessing.

Challenges. I fully admit to hating the ordeal and strife that challenges bring to my life. Many times, I'd also like to sit a few people down and give them time-outs (or just bitch slap them until they figure out that they need to listen to me.) However, with each struggle and challenge, I have learned a valuable piece of information to improve my life or to enrich my understanding of my own identity. I am not complete and I know that more struggles are looming in the distance but I know that if it doesn't kill me, I will come out stronger in the end. I have no intention of seeking them out but I will face them and learn what is asked of me. (God I just need a little deal so we can avoid the huge ones and give me a break - at least for say, a year?)

Abilities. I am thankful for the abundance of talent and abilities that I was blessed with and I am thankful for my shortcomings and opportunity to learn from my mistakes. I have great pride in what I have accomplished with my talents and my own free will. Hard work really does pay off and not always in monetary valuations. I know I can always take pride in what I have accomplished and in my successes as I have created a life that beyond my wildest dreams due to that effort.

My husband. He is my support system (and a pain in the ass.) Our personalities are radically different and many times conflicting (I'm right and he's wrong.) However, we share life ideologies and love of our child (she loves me more just so you know.) I appreciate him for providing for our family to ensure that I can stay at home with our child (okay, he does do this really well.) He is the most amazing father and I adore watching his relationship with Miss Fabulous (quit teaching her crap that gets me into trouble with the teachers at school.) He is so extremely laid back (aka lazy at home) and friendly; everyone likes him, I don't think you can honestly NOT like him (he really is a pain the ass though.) He is a complement to my overtly perfectionistic attitude (thank goodness, only one of us can be perfect and RIGHT.) He makes me realize that sometimes, I need to stop or lower my gear (not really, that's just what I say when I concede to a fight that has no point.) He has put up with so much ridiculousness and drama caused by my family. He has put up with my bringing family members into our home to live with us in desperate situations (okay, huge kudos and extra brownie points for that one.) Without fail, there is never a complaint (until much, much later when it isn't even a point and he's losing ground in a fight about something else.) He endures, no matter how annoying the situation. We are readily pains in each others' backsides, but we appreciate that reality. (Yup, I still love him and I'm keeping him - unless you want him, then I'll take the alimony.)

My teachers. Teachers make such an amazing difference in your life and sometimes they teach you life skills far beyond the classroom curriculum. Whether they realize it or not is another matter. My Kindergarten student teacher taught me a skill that I've used throughout life. She took the paper off the crayons, broke the crayons into smaller pieces, and used them sideways to draw a rainbow. I was shocked that the did such a thing, I remember the feeling of panic! But what I learned through that experience was that it's okay to use something in a way that's not been mentioned and sometimes things that are broken are actually an improvement. The ability to see things differently and stray from what we commonly believe as perfect can help you move forward and see things more clearly. There are so many other teachers who've made a difference in my life but there are those who went beyond the classroom to make a personal connection, and those are the individuals who have taught me lessons to balance myself and my life.

Materialistic items. I'd be so full of it if I didn't admit to this, but I am so utterly thankful for all the materialistic items we've accumulated. We have worked damn hard for everything we have and we have done it all ourselves. We started with NOTHING - a big, huge goose egg! Nothing is above God or more important and I'd give it all up in a heartbeat for my family, but I love what we've done and what we have to show for it. I adore my home. (Of course, I will always want bigger and better and I think that's a drive of nature and one of the reasons for our success.) It is beautiful and comfortable. The neighborhood is fantastic and gorgeous. I am seriously living in a fairy tale here and I love it! I'll never forget the first week we moved in here, the week of Christmas (after the stupid blizzard stopped and snow melted enough that we could get out to the grocery store); the neighborhood looks like a professional Christmas card. Houses like this didn't exist where I grew up and my grandmother goes around telling people I live in a mansion. Not quite, but I love this home and I love all the little things we've collected over the years that add to the interior charm. It's a delight to see where 18 years has taken us and we do appreciate it very much. Home sweet home indeed!

Disney. Yup, I am thankful for Disney. I love that we can escape our reality and move our lives into the pure magic of Disney with a movie, a game, or a trip. We can be completely happy, enjoy ourselves as a family, and completely forget about reality while we experience everything that Disney has to offer. It's a daily subject in our household and a constant dream.

Add in all the (to me) obvious things. God, Veterans, The United States of America, Colorado, California, my dogs, gorgeous views, beauty, the past, the present, and the future. I am completely and avidly thankful for all of these things and what they bring to my life.

Miss Fabulous. The most important aspect of my life. I adore this kid and I am so ridiculously blessed to have her in my life. Sure, as I'm nagging her to get in car and snipping at her about staying on schedule and focusing, I don't always show it. While I can't stand the way she walks off and talks to complete strangers about anything and everything (despite our constant and endless conversations about this not being safe), I also love her for her ability to do this. I love her charm and her talents. I don't always know what to do with her talents because she far surpasses mine in so many ways. Until her, I had no idea that love could be this strong or intense. This little angel has such a future ahead of her and I haven't any idea where this journey with her will take us, but I eagerly await anything and everything to do with this child. Without Miss Fabulous, I would have no reason to get up every morning or to continue with my own journey. Wrapped up in pink and glitter on a daily basis, all on her own, she is joy, love, beauty, and magic.

Dads & Daughters

I often wonder about the whole Dads & Daughters relationship; especially as I watch my husband and daughter interact. My dad was the best dad in the whole world. I worshipped him until sometime in my late 20's when I suddenly realized he actually did NOT know everything and wasn't actually the smartest man alive. I annoyed the hell out of my husband when I insisted that I had to call my dad to chat about every impending large purchase and get his thoughts and approval. Had to call dad about taxes, savings, sickness, muscle aches; you name it, I had to call him to get his thoughts.

I think my husband was lucky that my dad and I lived in separate states for the first five years of our marriage and when we moved BACK to Colorado, I think my husband was lucky that he travelled for business because my dad and I had dinner together every week, sometimes several times a week. My dad came over unexpectedly to work on my lawn, adjust sprinklers, and set timers. I think my husband might have been more than a bit annoyed had he been around when dad showed up and walked right in (he has his own key) without ringing the doorbell. (We did have a talk about that a few years later, so now he rings the bell AS he is walking in, which I think is pretty funny.)

I love to watch Miss Fabulous with her daddy. They have a completely different relationship than she and I do. They are ALWAYS getting into something, making a mess, and giggling about things that I just don't get. My husband WROTE a joke that my daughter insists is hysterical - "what did the cow say to the sheep? Woof." She wants him to do that joke all the time and she STILL continues to break into hilarity every single time he tells it. I don't get it, I think it's....well, stupid. Miss Fabulous and I can explore make-up and fashion (neither of which is my thing, but she really digs it.) We can chat and sing and dance and do art and play games. Miss Fabulous gets silly with me too, but it's NEVER EVER about anything uncouth or disgusting.

Why are farts so funny around your dad? Why do you run across the room to fart AT your father? I admittedly fell for the "pull my finger" joke from my dad, and I did laugh, but I was disgusted. Not Miss Fabulous, letting 'em rip with her dad is true sportsmanship - although thankfully he doesn't participate at her skill level, which is extreme. However, letting it slide and laughing about it is pretty common place in this house since Miss Fabulous reached the age of 2. That's three years of prolific farting experience; I'm a huge fan of White Barn Candle. Makes me want to cringe or leave the room - which I usually do.

So, I wonder, will Miss Fabulous eventually stop the gas antics with dad? Will she also think her dad walks on water? If so, should I straighten that misconception out for her? Will she annoy all her future friends and spouse with calls to her dad to get the so-called expertise? Her dad is fabulous, I love him myself, and I'm so happy that they have a great relationship and that my husband takes the time to be so engaged with her. However, after nearly 20 years with this man, I can guarantee that this man...let's just say he doesn't always take the time for common sense.

I suppose only time will tell and I'll just continue to avoid looking out the windows when he uses a rope to launch her down the slip & slide all greased up so she moves at the speed of lightning. Inevitably, I am the one she'll tearily seek out to fix it and inevitably, I will have yet another chat with dad about safety and what girls just do not do. Just please, listen to me about the gas emissions for the sake of your future.

The Option - Spit or Swallow

I am fully ready to admit this and I can't really imagine that I'm the only one out there who does this. Well, maybe I am, and if so, I guess I'm special and you folks don't know what you're missing. I eat gum. Yup, that's absolutely correct, I eat it. It tastes fantastic - that IS why we buy it to begin with, right?! If I don't like the taste, I spit it out, but for the most part, I go right ahead and swallow. (Go right ahead and giggle, you're not alone in your side thoughts about that one. Dirty minds...) Maybe it's the thrill of doing something naughty?

You remember when you were younger - admit it! You tried it and your parents, grandparents, whomever, tried to tell you that it was bad for you and would get stuck inside you and even perhaps you'd have to get it surgically removed? Then there's the whole bubbles out of your backside story, which is a bit amusing and to be honest, I'm not sure why some of my grade school friends weren't eating gum in huge proportions to give that task a tryout! You either had the mom who had you spit it into her hand (as if THAT isn't more disgusting?) as you walked into church or the one who told you to swallow it even though it was bad for you and normally you weren't supposed to. Then there are the disgusting people who spit it on the ground for some unsuspecting soul to step in. The gum tree at Elitches (Colorado people of a certain age know about this germ tree - and how disgusting was that???) is not something I ever contributed to, my gum stayed with me but not forever!

The whole consequence stories about eating gum are such nonsense, we were lied to! Why? Swallowing gum does nothing to you. I even asked my doctor many years ago, just to be sure since I seem to be the only person willing to admit to this little habit. During stressful times at work, I have, on occassion, pulled into the nearest convenience store and run in to buy the best flavor pack they have. Then I would sit in my car and slowly unwrap it piece by piece, chew it for a few minutes and then...swallow! If it was a really stressful situation, the entire pack, as long as I had time! It is strangely therapeutic and THAT probably is a little odd, but hey, whatever works! Betcha I had the freshest, mintiest breath in the office during project crises or budget meetings!

The Mayo Clinic has an online question and answer with doctors and I had to laugh when I saw some parent ask about their 6 year old accidentally swallowing gum (sure, betcha it wasn't an accident...) The doc says that although your body can't digest it, it passes through your system intact and goes out like all other foods. Here's a quote from the doc: "On rare occasions, large amounts of swallowed gum combined with constipation have caused intestinal blockage in children." I'm gonna say that it's GOT to be the constipation as the cause because I have, at times, eaten a LOT of gum! I've never, ever, ever experienced any sort of intestinal blockage. They should study me! I'll volunteer to eat as much as they want me to and more - as long as I can pick the flavor.

Now that I'm a mom, I'm NOT going to give my daughter that garbage about gum getting stuck inside her body and I'm telling my nieces and nephews the truth. I'm also not about to hold her already-chewed gum in my hand because I forgot that she shouldn't have it in whatever strange place doesn't allow us to chew gum, unless she asks me to do so. Rarely do I even have gum in my house and rarely do we chew it. So far Miss Fabulous just isn't really interested in gum. Maybe she'll come up with her own odd stress reducing behaviors.

This morning I discovered paper towels had been thrown into the laundry and washed with the clothes. Now I'm in the process of re-washing them after picking the bits of paper off the entire load. Normally I would have been furious about someone being so careless and being stuck indoors to fix the problem; however, we just had Halloween and some of our wonderful neighbors gave out gum. I swallowed, and it's all cool.

KNOCK it OFF!

Okay moms and dads, I've had enough of you with your cellphones. Basically, the entire population of cell phone users is annoying, but in particular, I'm addressing mothers. Enough is enough! If you're going to spend time with your kid, please please take the time to do so. Certainly, while we're at home, the phone rings and we're all guilty of speaking to a friend a little too long. It happens and I'm okay with THAT.

However, if you decide to go to the zoo, the museum, or some other special place, turn off the stupid phone and pay attention to your kids. Everyone in the world can hear your side of the conversation and I'm going to guarantee that the bullshit you're spouting about is not imperative to national security, let alone your life. Ummm....many of you sound like complete morons - think about what you're saying in front of others. Hello? Walmart shoppers, you're becoming classless and I'm sure next time I'll see you 50 lbs heavier and wearing second hand sweats with holes in them.

Then there's texting. You people are saying things that you wouldn't have the nerve to say out loud! It's outrageous - and then your friends are showing THEIR friends what you sent! That's an indicator that it's time to shut up or rather just stop the letters. You seriously don't need to interupt another person to check the iphone or Blackberry ten times in ten minutes - what are you thinking??? Some hot deal out there that's gonna net you a quick $3M and you're waiting on your broker so you can holler at him to BUY BUY BUY????

Simple etiquette ought to be a consideration. No one needs to listen to your conversation. If you simply must take a phone call, have the consideration to walk out of a room and handle your so-called emergency. If you just want to have a long chit-chat with a girlfriend, that's great! Certainly you can go sit in your car or at home and do so without invading everyone else's ears while we're trying to read, relax, chat, or just sit and watch my kid dance on the video screen.

Where exactly did you learn manners by the way? If you initiate and engage in a conversation with me or another mom while we're waiting on our daughters, if you really feel the need to look at your phone for texts or to see your Caller ID every few seconds, then perhaps you should just be alone with your little phone in a private room somewhere far, far away from those of us you're being rude to.

When I take my daughter, say, to the zoo, I want to spend time with her and perhaps learn something. That something has nothing to do with your friend Karen's latest boyfriend crisis. BTW, your friend Karen sounds like a whore! Shut up already - you're telling your kids to be quiet when they try to talk to you (which is supposed to be THEIR time by the way) but you're the one who is actually being rudely invasive of everyone else's air space. If you're eating, PUHLEEZ shut up and shut it off - seeing the food in your mouth is just sick and I'm certain the friend on the phone isn't enjoying all the smacking. Not to mention the nasty, germy food particals flying all over. Yeah, lots of us don't care for that, just so ya know!

I do hope as I walk by you, that you will trip and fall and break your phone. (I'll try to refrain from kicking you while you're down or laughing at you and loving what happened out loud.) Perhaps in the time it takes you to get a new model, you'll figure out that time with kids actually can be fun.

From what I hear and read, most of you can't even afford your phones with the charges for texts and voice minutes. You're constantly complaining (to Karen, or Linda, or Misty, or Heather) that you can't pay a bill, can't get a new car, can't get your old car fixed, or can't DO something fun because you don't have the money. Yet you people will spend excessive dollars on senseless communication or upgrading to the newest model. How much money could you save a month without that phone? Half of you don't even realize how much you spend until the bill arrives - there are calculators on most phones, haven't discovered THAT feature???? Guess all that talking and texting never resulted in math skills, let alone a budget - and don't expect me to call or text to explain it to you. In fact, if you call while I'm spending time with my daughter, you'll get my answering machine and I'm not often quick to return calls because I have a purpose and priority in life. Guess what else - I won't even give you my cell number because I have a life....and manners.

Now I have to go. My husband has a blackberry and he keeps looking at it and looking at it and reading his spam emails every time they pop up. Wanna guess where I'm gonna put it???

Gourmet Garbage from the MD

A few days ago I took my daughter in for her 5 year well-child exam. This added experience left me madder than all get-out and an added huge distrust of the medical profession in general.

When I booked the appointment a couple months ago, I was informed that Miss Fabulous would have to get at least 4 shots for this appointment. I asked which vaccinations are these and was told I'd have to wait and talk to the pediatrician and nurse when I got there so they could review what we needed. Not happy with that, I went to the internet and checked the recommended vac schedules on the CDC and AAP to try to get a better idea. Of course, I'd need some time to research some of them, so there's no way I can walk into the appointment and be ready for things to be thrown out at me and consent off my cuff. Sure, I could have called and continued to bug them for specific answers, but why waste the time when someone at the front desk isn't willing to transfer you right away. Annoyance.

Just after Miss Fabulous turned two, I went to get my hair chemically enhanced and left my daughter alone with her daddy. 15 minutes into my appointment, there is an urgent phone call for me at the salon. I answer and am greeted by my husband with "she put a shoe in her nose." What? How do you get a shoe in your nose? "A doll shoe." Yes - my daughter was playing with the tiny, plastic Disney princess dolls and instead of putting the tiny shoe on the tiny princess, apparently decided to stick it up her nose. (This never would have happened if I were home, but whatever.) My question for the husband as my wet hair drips down my back "is she breathing?" Good, yes, she's breathing, see if you can get her to blow her nose - if it doesn't come out, call the pediatrician and let them know we'll be there this afternoon. Apparently it didn't come out, so I went home and off we went to the pediatrician's office. Our pediatrician told us he could see it deep inside her nose and we used all sorts of silver medical gadgets to try to get it out while I held her down on the table. When that didn't work, at the pediatrician's direction, I used the nose bulb for over an hour trying to move it with air as he continued to check after every few minutes. He continued to see it, but couldn't get to it with the shiny silver tools. Once we were down to lots of blood and I was tired of restraining her, the pediatrician said he didn't want to hurt her anymore and we'd have to go to the ER. Off to the ER we went and I had the pleasure of restraining Miss Fabulous again while they did an exam and then inserted an IV so they could get a better look. Once my daughter was fully ripped, the ER doctor took a look and reported that he could not see anything in that nose - she must have swallowed it or sneezed it out since she doesn't seem to have problems breathing. So after my daughter was coherent again and six hours later we headed home to get something to eat. I walked over to the stairs and guess what I saw on the carpet? The doll shoe. So I yell at the husband "is this the one?" Yup - oh yeah, the husband did remember her sneezing, guess he just didn't realize she'd sneezed it out. So - my daughter got to endure 6 hours of torture including digging in her nose that resulted in blood because her pediatrician could definitely "see" the shoe (that was on the carpet in our house) followed by an IV and being drugged to the point of not recognizing her family. So I did realize that though I loved our pediatrician, he did NOT walk on water and apparently might not have been the best. The husband and I had a serious talk about his role as well.

A few years before my daughter's birth, I went to the dermatologist for a spot on my torso that kept bleeding and catching on my clothing. My father has had several skin cancers removed and I witnessed that as I grew up. I have the same fair skin as my father and certainly have enjoyed the sun without sunscreeen. I also spent a great deal of time enjoying tanning beds, daily, for years. At the time of this appointment I was just over 30 and still having a bit of a hard time accepting my age, though I never talked about it. This goofy, grandfatherly doctor took a look at my "spot" and informed me that "it's an old lady spot, you're not as young as you think you are." He didn't check it but told me to just leave it alone and ignore it and to expect to see more and expect it to get bigger. Nearly five years later and living in a new state, I visited another dermatologist for other reasons. While there, I decided to ask her to just freeze off the "spot" as I was tired of bleeding and having it catch on my clothes. I told her my previous doctor had already looked it at but I just wanted it gone. She took one look at it and said "that's skin cancer, duh!" Then she asked me to repeat what the previous doctor had told me. She was appalled. My spot aka skin cancer was removed and I've had MORE of them removed since then, but thank you so much to Dr. Goofball for properly diagnosing my old lady spot and letting me live with it growing and destroying tissue for 5 years. And thank you for the age comments, I hope you're now retired and not treating any patients.

Of course, everyone makes mistakes and I can understand that. However, when you're a medical professional, I would hope for a little more effort to avoid these types of issues or perhaps a decision to choose a different profession. I have loved both of my daughter's pediatricians and I do think they are sincere in their desire to care for children. However, sometimes I wonder just how many mistakes have been made on my daughter.

When we made our visit for the 5 year well child exam, I immediately asked about the vaccinations. The nurse rattled off what they expected to give to her and I had some concerns about giving my kid 6 shots; she told me to speak to the doctor. It became clear to me that our pediatrician was rattling off what she's been instructed to do by the CDC and AAP. We weren't going to have a discussion about the pros and cons or any concerns. She appeared to be just annoyed and tired of questions. Here's the facts aka instructions that I've been given and you decide what you want to do, regardless I'm going to continue telling you that the benefits outweigh your concerns but I won't address your concerns.

My daughter has already had the swine flu (which I took care of at home and never consulted with the pediatrician because there wasn't a need - and when you get to 5 years of the pediatrician nicely telling you that you're overreacting, you eventually stop calling them unless a severe need arises) yet they recommend that I give her the shot for swine flu because it won't hurt her but they have no intentions of doing a blood sample to check it out, that'd be too much work. Tamiflu wouldn't have hurt her either, but they don't want to give that out for some odd reason because the CDC says so. No, we're not getting the swine flu shot, there's no point and it contains the thimerasol.

They wanted to give her the seasonal flu shot. Last time we got it, she got the flu anyway, severely, and required two more doctor visits. That also still has thimerasol and if we can get through the other without issues, and I have a strong healthy kid, I'm not giving it to her. No, we're not getting the seasonal flu shot.

They want to give her the DTap, MMR, and Polio (IPV) shots. So we did discuss what these diseases do and how often they see them. So, if the mumps or measles come back, we're going to have a serious epidemic and lots of deaths. We have already had these, this is our last dose and apparently none contained thimerasol. My husband had regular tetanus shots growing up but he lived on a farm with serious equipment and lot of rusty metal and nails. He has never had one since we met 20 year ago and he's never had tetanus despite working in the field around equipment and other nasty things. I've not had a tetanus shot since I was about 12 years old and strangely I've never had any issues, but....okay fine, I'll consent to these shots.

Here's where it gets really interesting. They want to give her the chicken pox vaccine. Wait a minute - we got that when she was 18 months old and the pediatrician said it was all we'd ever need. At the time I had concerns about that one as well because, really, my husband has had it, I've had two severe cases in my lifetime, and I haven't ever met anyone who has known someone having the chicken pox that resulted in death. Well, apparently it was always intended to be given in two doses, but at that time they only had it licensed for one - 9 years after they started giving it, still licensed for one dose. Now, they do recommend getting it again between ages 4 to 6. Why could they only get licensing for one at that time (2004) when the vaccine had been around since 1995? No idea. So again, I said "really though, who dies from the chicken pox?" The pediatrician said that they do see it! Huh... I think we're not going to get this one either. So the pediatrician gave me an info sheet from the CDC to read and reconsider another time.

So, we've consented to 3 of the 6 shots and I take Miss Fabulous to the restroom for her pee test. When we return, with pee in hand, we are greeted by TWO nurses waiting for us. I'm told to hold my daughter in my lap and restrain her and the arms in particular so she can't grab. I don't like it one bit, never have, but I did it. The first shot is given and my daughter SCREAMS bloody murder. I have a severe issue with needles myself and that's due to terrible military doctors I experienced growing up. What happens next shocks me - while one nurse holds my daughter's leg and does the alcohol thing, the other prepares and then harshly STABS the next two shots into my daughter as fast as she possibly can. With force, lots of it. I felt the force on MY leg and I'm underneath my daughter. For a mom, this is all horrid regardless, but my gut is aching with this one and I'm crying by the time it's over. Well, at least it's over with and there are no more vaccinations needed until she's 11. Within 3 hours, Miss Fabulous can no longer walk on one of her legs, doubles over in pain when she takes a step, and starts to ask me to carry her - at the toy store, so I KNOW this is real.

After carrying her to dinner and then carrying her to the car and to the couch, I gave her some tylenol hoping it would help things out. At bathtime, I carry my 50 pounder up the stairs and get ready to put her in the tub. But before we do that, I suggest she take off the band-aids. She agrees and takes them off and then I saw the sight that will disturb me for a long time. A HUGE bruise on my daughter's leg where the second and third shots were given. This is a huge deep bruise and now I know just what that pressure did to my kid and why she was crying and screaming the way she was. This was extreme pain. If I put a bruise like that on my kid, I'd be in jail and rightfully so. After talking to some other folks, it sounds that this nurse severely needs to practice her technique, I'm just going to pray for her sake that she doesn't run into me in a dark alley with no witnesses. I am so sick over this and the fact that I participated in restraining her to let it happen. I knew in my gut that something was terribly wrong but everything was being rushed so fast that it seemed to be out of my control at the moment.

That evening I googled myself to death with vaccine info and emailed everyone I knew in the medical profession. The information that the pediatrician gave me about the Chicken Pox vaccine, which was produced by the CDC, contradicted what the pediatrician told me. The information I found online about this vaccine further infuriated me with the huge lack of success and the REAL reason they now want to add another dose - it doesn't work and they're basically pushing the disease into adulthood (possibly, it's all still too new so the repercusions could be huge or small) which is larger risk. The CDC also has not completed update of their web info if this is, in fact, the new recommendation. So, based on the information presented to me - I'm being told differently than what the pediatrician is recommending - so what is there to reconsider if we're following CDC?

After we got the original dose, I had read an article from a doctor who had concerns that this vaccine and it resulting in producing a higher number of shingles cases, which I asked the pediatrician about. He said there was no evidence of that, yeah, duh, no evidence because the vaccine just came about in 1995 - but it doesn't mean it isn't true. Guess what? We can thank our lucky stars, because there is NOW a Shingles Vaccine! Yeah, maybe there was some truth to that article but no one in the medical profession is going to admit it apparently. Least of all from the AAP or CDC because we can't admit when we screw up.

Now remember I mentioned the pediatrician telling me that they do see people who die from chicken pox? Well guess what - in the entire United States approximately 10,000 people a year are hospitalized due to chicken pox. 10 people per year die of chicken pox. So, I wonder what my pediatrician meant when she said "they do see it." Really - in far west metro Denver area, this small practice sees a death over all the other states, cities, towns, and practices in the United States? Wow, staggering figures, and let me tell you, I'm sooooooooo scared of the Chicken Pox now. That's what - .00000000001% of our population? Puhleez, give me a break. If you are a professional with this much education, why can you not have a decent and honest conversation with another adult regarding the health of their children. A conversation built on thought, personal research, education, and consideration of another individual. That is the biggest bunch of crap I've witnessed in a long time. That is not being a partner in health.

Bottom line, I feel like I have been presented with a load of garbage and told that it's gourmet. Well, when it comes to my kid, I'm pickier than that and I've simply had enough. I'm an overly conservative individual but I don't particularly care if I start sounding like the biggest treehugger on earth, from here on out, the pediatrician is going to walk me through everything step by step and no one touches my daughter again without me blessing it in all religions after I've googled myself to sleep. To heck with the doctors unless I'm desperate from now on; I'm considering their assistance as optional. I'd rather call on a mom who has been through it before and trust my mommy gut.

We're through doctor and I'm considering divorcing you!

A Pirate's Life for Me....not

The Pirates of the Caribbean Ride at Disneyland has been a family favorite since our daughter was one year old. It's definitely a darker ride and there are those drops and potential of getting wet that are turn-offs for a lot of the short riders. Initially, my daughter loved it because of the dogs and other animals. As she turned 3 years old, it became more of desire due to the THRILL of the drops aka "the weeeeee's" as they have been referred to in our house but the dogs were also a HUGE issue for Miss Fabulous. Over the week of her third birthday, I am certain we rode Pirates at least 50 times - every night was hard to sleep because the boat motion never stopped!

My daughter and I do play some games on this ride that we share with others who visit with us and the kids all seem to enjoy them terribly! Following the "weeeeee's," we wait for the two rooms on the left with the treasures. We put our hands out in front of us and being scooping the air and putting on the imaginary jewels and crowns and stuff our pockets with our gold. Then we wave our hands through the air as we go through the Davey Jones fog - I don't really know why anymore. We hold out imaginary cups as we go past the leaking barrel that is supposed to be filled with some sort of liquor; however, we are filling OUR cups with Starbucks - my daughter's idea and, yes, I am a Starbucks addict. We grab the dogs in the air and take them with us in the boat. And, before we take Captain Jack's jewels, we spend time at the burning logs collecting rubies and garnets - we don't acknowledge that this is fire, they're jewel logs to decorate ourselves from.

Now, we just finished my daughter's 5th birthday trip, and an odd conversation occurred that made us laugh and is still circling my brain. There is a spot on the ride where there are a few women lined up whom the pirates have captured and these women are being auctioned off to the pirate men. As we went past the "red head" (Disney fans will understand where this is), my daughter looked to the other side and noticed the sign that says "Buy a Bride." She read it and told me, "I never noticed that before, is that what you did, mom?" Surprised and giggling a little, I told her that this was an "old" scene and currently we women get to pick whom we will or will not marry. Huh...not a conversation I expected to have at this age.

I suppose we women can all be thankful, I certainly love choices and imaginary jewels.

Mommy and Me Time

What exactly is the difference between Mommy Time and Me Time? After waiting 13 years for a baby, the last thing I thought about for 4 years after that was ME time, though I heard it over and over and over again from other moms and I absolutely rolled my eyes at them albeit inside my head. I'm certainly always willing to spend time with girlfriends but the last thing I was looking for was a way to escape time with my child. In fact, I DREADED leaving my child - just in 15 minutes for a shower, you can miss an incredible moment with a young child. First steps (I was in the shower), first time drinking from a straw (I was in the shower), and first time putting a doll shoe up her nose (I was getting my hair done.) Okay, so the doll shoe in the nose that required a doctor visit and ER trip involving an IV and holding her down (which I did NOT miss) wasn't something to look forward to, but still I wish I'd been there to prevent it from happening in the first place. For the record, I do only take one shower a day - just so you know - but that shower caused me to miss some incredible moments.

I really do prefer my Mommy Time to the Me Time and I just don't get the ME thing as a necessity. It's nice sometimes, but not a requirement for me. Maybe it's because I was alone so much as a kid myself - I didn't get that interaction with either of my parents. Or maybe it's because I'm actually very introverted and don't crave a night out with a GROUP of anyone. Miss Fabulous is also terribly extroverted and she craves interaction even more so than other kids because of this trait. However, once my daughter was 4 1/2, I realized that she would not play independently - she just needed someone in the room to talk AT while playing, typical extrovert characteristic but a behavior that has to be learned. So for the past six months, I've found myself rewarding my child for her efforts and ability to self-entertain for periods of 30 minutes to an hour. I DO have to force myself to stay in a separate room because watching her is so much more entertaining and rewarding. I had no idea it would be this difficult. It's even more difficult when she continues to ASK for me to join her.

When I do take the time to visit with a friend over coffee or meet up for lunch, I tend to do it while Miss Fabulous is busy at school or some other kid activity. I am not allowed to be there for those times, so I don't feel as if I'm leaving or avoiding my child.

For five years now, I've heard so many friends who are mothers themselves, trying to encourage me to take time "for myself" and telling me that this time will make me a better mother. However, long before my daughter, during my workaholic days, I was constantly told to take breaks to prevent myself from "burning out." For 13 years, I did nothing but increase my work hours and work load and I never felt burned out, there was always a sense of satisfaction. Though some instances and situations were utterly annoying and I often felt like some people needed to be slapped to their senses, crossing off an item on my to do list or succeeding in an adventure was exhilarating. Now that my JOB is being a mom, I can't imagine not putting in my time and helping to create an incredible environment with unlimited experiences for this tiny human being.

While my husband does travel quite a lot, those extra hours for my alone time with my daughter are a privilege to me, not simply a responsibility. Of course, I'm also a very highly competitive individual, so admittedly, there is a desire for my daughter to enjoy her time with me MORE than time with dad. Shhhhh....don't tell, I don't think he's caught on yet. Well, maybe he has. I'm here ALL the time, so I am the enforcer of the rules in the house, which means time with dad is pretty much all fun & games. I have to work much harder to be the fun one as well as disciplinarian. Again, balance issues...

Is there a right answer or a wrong answer? Basically I have decided that it's individualistic. Some people need that me time and some people don't necessarily. I will always be available to my friends during school time and for a few hours over a weekend, but I'd rather excel at being mom. I'm quite certain that at the end of my life, my daughter will be the one with me and holding memories while my girlfriends will be with their children who hold their memories. As it should be and I'll love my girlfriends for giving their children those memories. I think maybe that IS the balance for me.

Disney Magic

My husband and I lived in So Cal for five years at the beginning of our marriage. We always LOVED going to Disneyland when we had a chance. It's really just a magical place. Even with horrendous crowds, there will be something that makes you smile, laugh, giggle, or, if you're lucky, something that opens your heart.

When our daughter was 2 1/2 months old, yes MONTHS, I began planning for her first birthday. Now don't even roll your eyes at that, my husband has already taken care of that task! When you've waited 13 years for a child, every event about that kid ends up being BIGGER. Disneyland was the only thing I could think of that was good enough for my baby's first birthday. Of course, I started planning it a little early; that's what I do, I plan! When the day came and we were there, it was truly amazing. She had just learned to walk and I'll never forget watching her toddle down the path past Big Thunder in her pink Stride Rites and Red LLBean jacket, overflowing mommy-tears of joy! Listening to her say "Wow!" over and over again was addicting, so cute, and also made me cry. When she slid off the hotel bed the second morning and ran to the door yelling "me go Dissy, me go Dissy!" I knew I succeeded in delighting this child and I wasted a lot of eye make-up.

I also have a girlfriend from San Diego who is a Disneyland addict (her husband proposed to her outside the Haunted Mansion and I'm still jealous!) She happened to have a baby just months after we did and we meet up at Disneyland when we visit, that's another special bonus. The first pictures of our children together are at Disneyland, in their 50th Anniversary Mickey Ears, sitting in the Golden Tea Cup. It's the first time I got to see her baby! How much more magical does it get?

Needless to say, the first birthday trip was so addicting and magical that I immediately made plans for the 2nd birthday. Disneyland is pure amazement for everyone and once you see your child's reaction to that magic, the experience is completely new. To top it off, every visit with your child is unique. What delights them on one trip is topped by something else on the next trip. Because of that initial experience, we've taken to visiting Disneyland three times a year as our family vacation. We now live in Colorado, so the journey is a bit further for us. We accommodate that by spending an entire week there each time we go and still, we simply never have the same experience and in 7 days we never have enough time to do everything. When my daughter was 2 1/2, she met her favorite Princess, Jasmine and that encounter and conversation was so incredible that my husband was teary-eyed!

These visits have made me NUTS about Disney. I am guilty of incorporating Disney into my home decor and, though tasteful, I do likely have more Disney things in my home than most people you will meet. Decorating with Disney is not easy, my colors are browns and burgundy, and I do insist that Disney pieces meet my decor rather than decorating around the items. Simply put, Disney must fit into our lives rather than us fitting into Disney's culture and that should mimic life.

I want ALL families to go to Disneyland (or DisneyWorld - whatever's closer for you!) The experience you have together as a family is so incredibly memorable - I still vividly remember my first trip as a kid and my dad's excitement before the trip. My hope is that my daughter will remember these times we spent with her and know just how much we loved being with her.

I am an unpaid, walking, talking advertisement for Disney, always trying to convince someone to get there with their kids and showing them how to save money to experience as much as possible - you never can tell where that special memory will occur for a child. Just knowing that bit of magic touched a child's heart or made a mother smile or a father cry, is a huge reward. Successfully encouraging someone to take that trip opens up another magical gift for me. While the family owns these amazing memories and will talk about them for years, a part of my heart smiles with the knowledge that a child had the gift of an incredibly happy time with their family and nothing will ever take away that piece of magic. I probably won't remember or know half those families in another 10 years and they probably won't remember me unless it's something like "that lady who was so nuts about Disney," but I'll always know that once they have experienced it, every individual will spend their life trying to repeat that magic for the people they love.

What girl doesn't remember those princess movies as we grew up? Though you can't recall all the details, who doesn't remember that family vacation and all the talk leading up to it? I am now one day away from that plane trip taking my family to Disneyland for my daughter's 5th birthday and I couldn't be more delighted and excited for this experience. I wonder what our amazing and memorable event will be, I wonder what fantastic pictures we'll bring home, and I wonder how much more my daughter will remember and take with her as she grows.

Disney connects families and miraculously opens the door to the magic and we can all use a little more magic. Bon voyage!

Workforce Women

I'd always wanted to work and be a perfectionistic superstar while rising to the top of that corporate food chain. So when I got my first job, I went to town! My OCD issues were such a huge asset, I could organize everything in the world and then re-organize, improving methods and outcomes each time. My energy levels were extreme and a 40 hour work week quickly turned into a 60 hour one for me. My supervisors were always ecstatic with my work ethic and the load I could, and very happily, carried. What I really didn't expect were the female aspects.

First, it's extremely hard to work with women - not all of them but there's a good chunk of them out there. Why in the world another woman would not want to see other females succeed is beyond me. Of course, being competitive, it's really difficult to watch anyone else promoted over yourself when you honestly believe you deserved it for whatever reasons, but still, how can you not be happy to see someone else succeed? It's your ticket to future successes! Workplace gossip over ladies who have a little cleavage showing or skirts slightly higher than they really should be has just got to end.

While I myself am fairly modest, I will admit to showing a little cleavage or wearing that short skirt on my way to get a permit I desperately need to get a project moving. So what? I've been happily married since the beginning of time and It's not like I gave anyone a lap dance or engaged in prostitution. I used the boobs to get someone's attention - if it works, why not? On the flip side, I've also used a very pregnant state to get what I wanted. If someone wants to believe I'm honestly a helpless pregnant woman and a few tears and theatrics can make someone interested in assisting another human being, what exactly is the problem with that?

Now, women in the workforce have a variety of personal situations. Some are married, some are not, some have kids, some do not - basic facts of life and it applies to men as well. Being married does not automatically mean that a woman will be popping out children within days of being hired. For thirteen years, I was questioned by various supervisors (and during interviews) as to my status of having children. No, I'm not personally interested in suing someone for this lack of charisma whether legal or not. However, can we all just agree that anything involving a woman's vagina and uterus should just be considered unmentionables in the work force? I don't remember any of the men I worked with being asked about the working state of their penis or whether they had checked their sperm count. Seriously folks, I'm working 80 hours a week for you and you acknowledge I'm doing a stellar job, it's not necessary to tell me that I'm getting older and need to get busy having kids or I may miss my chance.

I might also take the time to bring up the idea of a man giving a woman advice in the workplace. Now, I very much appreciate a senior male or female co-worker giving me knowledge of their experiences and methods that have worked or not worked for them in the past. I fully recognize and appreciate your information and would love to learn from you. However, O Wise One, I'm not completely certain your ideas for my being able to command authority in a room have much to do with whether my legs are crossed or not while chatting. Certainly body language is important and I do try to be well aware of those issues; however, once again, I am a woman and you are a man, there are some things we handle differently. I can and have commanded respect in a meeting with your experts while my legs were crossed in a lady-like fashion, I didn't feel it necessary to rest my ankle on top of my knee thus giving anyone a view of my crotch (O Wise One, you forgot sometimes women wear skirts but I didn't bother to remind you of that while you were "helping" me with your advice.) Bottom line, I don't tell you how to be a man, please don't tell me how to be a woman. Men have the advantage in some situations but I can guarantee I can convince one of your men to do something for me simply because I am a woman and that, in itself, is a huge advantage of being a woman.

Once I decided to leave the workforce to stay at home with my baby to be, I was relieved to think about NOT having to endure any further discussions of the above but it didn't last long. Although I sincerely appreciated the support for my decision to stay home, I simply never expected the men in my office (and yes, it was actually only men) to have so many opinions and expertise to share with me regarding breast feeding. Men, seriously, these are my boobs, I've had them my entire life, I will take care of them as I please and I know fully how to use them in more aspects that you can possibly imagine. I may have expected that conversation in Lamaze Class, but not in a meeting for a large professional office building. Okay, thanks boys, can we please get back to discussing the structural issues we're having before the right side of the building collapses? My boobs are not strong enough for that kind of reinforcement.

Now, as Miss Fabulous approaches her 5th birthday, I am again thinking of rejoining the workforce. I mean, with these mounting number of dance classes desired and really just months before she is in school full-time, what else would I do with my time? I really do need a challenge and I'm already finished reconstructing everything on my home aka my unemployed construction habit. I've mastered cleaning the house and according to my realtor my house is cleaner than 95% of the houses out there that are ON the market (PS Folks, we're going to talking about cleaning another time!) - huge kudos to my OCD issues! So, where's a good place for a mom to land to fulfill that desire to achieve?

I've never worked while being a mom before, so those 80 hour work weeks are going to have to be a thing of the past or at least a rarity. Now I have to deal with the employers who automatically believe that because I am a mother (I'm also a very honest interviewee) I will likely call in sick to work all the time and miss so many days that my work will never have a chance of being completed on time. Formerly, as a supervisor, I also had concerns hiring mothers for positions, especially single moms - you just never know what you're going to get and those people with a strong work ethic are few and far between.

Following the last elections, I was disheartened with all that occurred with former Governor Sarah Palin as a candidate. Her clothing was an issue. Her eyeglasses were an issue. Her hair was an issue. Her mothering skills to her pregnant teenage daughter was an issue. Her ability to perform the job while having children including a new infant was questioned. Whether you like her or not, certainly women out there should all have been desperately outraged! If someone in her position and already performing duties as a Governor is picked apart so readily with regard to these silly items that have nothing to do with her abilities, what can the rest of us honestly expect out in the corporate world? That looks fairly dismal to me and I'm still amazed that journalists and other politicians were not creating an uproar about this - backbones are lacking in that industry apparently???

For myself, I am again lost with regard to this future. I am a woman and I will be bringing my boobs along with me to work. As long as I am young enough to be able to use them to my advantage, they will be used. If a short skirt will assist me in getting a job done, I'll buy stock in them. Heck, if letting an individual with a foot fetish paint my toes will assist in any way with my success, you can bet I'll have a new pair of fabulous open-toed shoes every day of the week. Yes, I've done it before and I'll do it again if needed.

I am a female overachiever but get this straight, keep your mouth shut about my vagina and uterus because now I'm the mother of a little girl. That little girl will one day be a woman and I refuse to let this continue and happen to her!

Miss Personality

After 13 years of marriage, I certainly had given up on any possibility of a future Miss Personality making a presence in my life. Yet I'll never forget the day of that pregnancy test showing positive. Surely I screwed up the procedure and thank goodness there was another test for people who made an error (like not using it in morning as the stupid box clearly instructs when you READ the instructions.) Okay, we all make mistakes, redo in the a.m.! But after a terrible night's sleep - still positive. Shock. The husband is elated! Crap - I had a few beers at that Shania Twain concert, I'm a complete Starbucks addict, and I'm still smoking like a chimney. Oh, yeah, honey, I'm super excited! (My brain was completely full of my voluminous construction vocabulary.)

Once I figured out I was nearly 4 months pregnant, I slowly adjusted to the realization that this was going to happen. Sure was overjoyed when someone posted a sign outside my office door asking everyone to guess the sex of the baby to be. Annoyed when someone wrote in the option of PUPPIES on that sign, but I managed a polite smile and fake laugh. That's asking a lot from a hormonal female who can no longer fit into her corporate suit attire. (Oh God, PUHLEEZ give me a girl, a girl with blonde hair like me; no boys, no boys, no boys - I don't like what they do to bathrooms.) "I'll just be happy as long as the baby is healthy." (Such BS...)

Then came the birth - natural - not by MY choice but thanks to a few treehugging nurses who I desperately hope will have a tree fall on TOP of them to this day. (BTW, if in doubt - use drugs, ask for them, request them months in advance, check stock at the hospital, threaten lives if need be - that much pain for any human is so unnatural.)

Somewhere during that birth, I think my brain melted - what a change. How could you ever put your baby down? Sleep? Who needs it! Gimme my baby, I don't need a friggin' nursery! Please don't let me forget to mention that I'd never held a baby in my entire life - ever, never, not my nieces or nephews, not friends' kids. My baby was different!

Miss Personality made her appearance in quite the fashion and she immediately started making noises, lots of them, right away! Should have known then...

Why Blog Why Not????

Why a blog? Let's see, nearly 5 years ago, I became a mom to little Miss Fabulous - and she really is! Miss Fabulous was the reason I stopped being a workaholic pushing my way up to that glass ceiling of the corporate ladder and entered a temporary "retirement" to be a stay at home mother. It's been a trip and an adjustment for us both coming into this mom/daughter world and while I'm certainly rewarded on a daily basis for this work, I think a part of my brain is sitting in limbo somewhere. I'm a bit of a lost mom!

Will a blog to express these ongoing thoughts of my lost persona recreate what I used to be? No idea, but at least I can use a little brain power crafting words to the random and increasingly obsessive thoughts. Plus, I've grown a little too attached to my Dyson Animal vacuum, to the point that wearing the carpet could be a concern for warranty...

So, really, other than doing the mom thing, taxi-driving Miss Fabulous, cleaning every germ and speck of dust from my house, organizing anything and everything in sight, and training two very large puppies (yes, I am slightly insane for that one), who am I and what journey am I on?